Only 10 people were left on Monday night’s “Bachelor Pad!” The stakes were high, and to add more pressure to the game, the couples learned that from here on out, they’d not only be voting as couples but that they’d have to use their brontosaurus brains a little more than usual! Blasphemy! Although many questions and concerns were swirling about them, the only one that we were wondering was: What the heck was lobster-faced, big-boobed Nick still doing there?
Let’s get this show on the road…
A Bee-u-tiful Disaster
The couples get whisked away on a school bus to an auditorium and learn that they must compete in a spelling bee! The twist? Each couple will have to spell their given word by alternating letters! Too. much. for. brain. to. take!
Here’s the breakdown of the first round:
Jaclyn and Ed. Their word: “daisy dukes.”
Blakeley and Tony. Their word: “mountainous silicone.”
Rachel and Nick. Their word: “steroids.”
Chris and Sarah. Their word: “spread eagle.”
Lindzi and Kalon. Their word: “narcissist.”
For the final round, it ends up being a race to the finish between Jaclyn and Ed and Chris and Sarah! After five hours of misspelling fifth grade level vocabulary, Chris and Sarah finally emerge as immunity winners after they spell the word “hepatitis” correctly! They roar with triumph as the rest of the gang vengefully release mouth farts and hope the hated couple dies from them! Believing that they’re toast, Blakeley cries as Tony’s eyelashes fan her tears away…
On a happy note, runners up Jaclyn and Ed win the consolation prize of a romantic overnight date (even though Ed doesn’t like Jaclyn’s mug)!
Catch Up on “Bachelor Pad”:
Immediately after winning the challenge, champions Chris and Sarah fly off to their overnight date and land on a ranch in the middle of wine country overlooking a lake. They spend the day complimenting each other and picnicking as vultures circle them. Sizzling in the sun, the two strip down and suck each other’s pie holes in the lake, and Chris enjoys his day imagining he’s kissing Emily Maynard (and secretly, Jeff Holm).
‘It Is What It Is’
Meanwhile, Ed and Jaclyn’s overnight date gets underway! They fly out to a deserted island and also have a picnic. Determined to clear the air and relay to Jaclyn he’s really, really not into her, Ed tells her he’s got a honey back at home. Seeing her signature scowl, he apologizes if he misled her this entire time by allowing her to squeeze his privates like a hacky sack, but she still thinks he’s a jerk.
At dinner Jaclyn dresses like Stevie Nicks to protest her heart break. But trying to nip things in the bud, Ed scolds her for giving into the pressure of trying to pigeonhole them as a romantic couple just because everyone else is shacking up (with the exception of Nick and Rachel). “You’re making me feel like an insignificant piece of sh*t,” Jaclyn declares. But by the end of the night, she decides it’s better that she gets to squeeze his privates as much as she can before the game ends. The two do their dirty deed overnight, and somewhere in Canada, Jillian Harris slams a banana cream pie at her TV screen.
Ed and Jaclyn return to The Pad the next morning and are given immunity roses to hand out to the couple of their choice. Ultimately, they decide Blakeley and Tony are trustworthy. (Oh, and by the way, don’t even think you’re going to get us to comment on Ed’s white daisy dukes. Don’t even start with us.)
Meathead Loses His Meat
When doomsday voting hour rolls around, Nick’s roid rage goes into overdrive since he knows that Rachel’s head is in Michael Stagliano (a.k.a. Vanilla Ice) Land and that he’s essentially on his own to find his way to the $250K…and man, he can almost taste his dream of owning his own whey protein factory, it’s sickening! Unfortunately for him, he gets too aggressive with Tony and Blakeley, and it turns them off. Kalon smirks, believing his manipulative plan to keep him and Lindzi there is working!
However, in the end, the couple that goes home is: Kalon and Lindzi! Unable to be separated from his blonde fairy, Kalon jumps into the limo with her! Everyone’s faith is restored that even Satan has the ability to fall in love! Evil Man and Evil Voice ride off into the night so happy together!
Highlights From Next Week
Final four couples! Rock ‘n’ rolling on stage! The men wear mascara and mullets! Lots of fugly cries!
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