‘RHONJ’ Reunion Part 1: The Nightmares That Just Won’t Go Away

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion (Bravo)

Apparently, the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” reunion was so horrific Bravo had to break it up into not two but THREE parts. With all of the apish chest thumping, mean girl middle school comebacks, and signature half-witted narcissism we encountered in Part One on Sunday night, Andy Cohen really should’ve turned this event into a friggin’ Halloween special.

The reunion started out with the host noting that the ladies hadn’t seen each other in an entire year since the last reunion. This time, though, Jacqueline showed up and brought all of her monstrous rage with her, but before she could jump in and tear into Teresa, the plastic surgery deconstruction began: Kathy was sporting a new schnoz along with some new blubber lips, Jacqueline revealed she fills her face and lips up on the regular, and Teresa brought attention to her metallic-sheened boobalinos.

As always with these reunions, this one was incredibly difficult to keep up with since the ladies’ squabbles sounded like a bunch of hyenas killing each other…and poor Kathy Kat—did anyone even care that she’s on the dang show? (A shout out to her cannolis, though.)

For those of you lucky souls who missed watching the nightmare that unfolded before our eyes, here are some of the major freakouts that the ladies brought to the table that compelled those of us who did watch to pluck out our eyeballs and rinse them in bleach and beg for our brain cells back…

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Drama 1:
Teresa accuses Jacqueline of setting her up to look like the bad guy at the Posche Fashion Show finale, which was centered around exposing Melissa as a stripper. Needless to say, the ever-emotional Jacqueline freaks out at Teresa’s accusation and swooshes her linebacker shoulders around like they’re weapons. Melissa tag teams her and says Tre is the source of all the family’s problems and adds she had violently pulled her arm at a birthday party recently.

Drama 2:
Caroline and Jacqueline break down at the montage of Jacqueline’s toddler son Nicholas who was recently diagnosed with Autism. When Tre’s social ineptitude and narcissism kicks in by trying to bring the conversation back to herself, Caroline flips out and tells her “Shut the f*ck up—this is not about you!” Not knowing how to respond, Teresa resorts to calling Caroline an “old hag.”

Drama 3:
Trying to make up for her absence from last season’s finale, Jacqueline continues to yelp like a Maltese throughout the night. She blasts Teresa by telling the world that the swamp-haired Fabulicious author had wanted to expose early on that Melissa was a stripper and that cousin Kat was simply a jealous loser who lived in a “sh*t house” growing up. Teresa, of course, denies it all. “You’re a liar, you’re sick, you’re going to hell!” Jacqueline screams like a 12 year old.

Drama 4:
Andy addresses Caroline’s mean girl attitude this season and reveals some of the names fans have called her: “bully,” “stubborn,” and the best one: “You’re a bitter ginger with a twist of lemon face.” Caroline laughs at Andy mentioning menopause as the possible cause, but the Mother Hen claims she’s actually not going through a menopause; according to her, she’s just a “b*tch.”

Drama 5:
As for Caroline’s kids, Andy reveals Lauren recently got lapband surgery, and the former chubby chick truts in looking svelte, 35 L-Bs lighter.

When Andy asks Teresa what she thinks of Caroline’s kids (like we don’t know where this is gonna end up), Teresa points out that they’re good people…although Albie and Chris didn’t have jobs before the BLK (Black Water) business took off. In response Caroline clucks like hell, and so Teresa comes back at her by pointing out the three layers of blubber on her stomach and that she really needs Botox. Feeling confident now that she has less of a muffin top, Lauren goes back to the 90s playbook of name calling and shouts out that Teresa is a bonafide “d*ckhead” and also adds she’s an idiot who can’t even write her own blogs.

“What does napalm mean?!” Lauren repeatedly screams, trying to a point out that Teresa’s ghostwriter had used the word. Teresa stares at her blankly.

Drama 6:
Teresa busts out her old belief that everyone is trying to copy her out of jealously and then attacks Melissa for wearing the same glitter eyeshadow she used to wear. (And no, I didn’t just make that up.)

Drama 7:
When the segment of Kathy rolls around (and we get nostalgic over Kathy’s old lips and nose), Teresa ends up calling her cousin a puppet and disses her hubby Richie for having “yellow teeth.” When the two start putting down each other’s parents, that’s when things got even uglier. Teresa calls Kathy a “piece of sh*t,” and in turn, Kathy calls Teresa’s father a “coward” and Tre’s mom a f*cking liar for telling people she got lapband surgery.

So disgusted at what Kathy’s saying, Teresa moves to the other couch next to Caroline and Jacqueline, but before Caroline can make a point about how no one’s listening to each other, Teresa disses Kathy and sis Rosie’s father by saying he was a deadbeat dad. Of course(!), Rosie happens to be backstage, and she flips out so much that producers scramble to get her some Charmin.

“I will rip her f*cking head off! My father is untouchable!” screams Rosie. “I don’t care if I get locked up! I’ll f*cking kill herrrr!”

Uhh, all I gotta say is: Where’s my dang sage to ward off evil spirits when I need it?

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