‘American Horror Story’ Premiere: Adam Levine Gets His Arm Chopped Off

Sarah Paulson of 'AHS: Asylum' (Photo: FX)

Wednesday night’s sophomore season premiere of FX’s “American Horror Story: Asylum” was a star-studded bloodtastic event, which included many familiar faces from the first season, along with new A-list stars like Adam Levine, Chloe Sevigny, and James Cromwell.

Like any good horror show, the premiere episode was a concoction of gore, sex, insanity, and secrets, but this season adds a new twist to the freakfest by riding the friction between science and religion during the 1960s. Oh, and of course, space aliens and lesbians play a part in this bloodletting labyrinth…naturally.

Check out the gory storylines and characters right here:

Chapter 1
Horny toad Leo (Adam Levine) and his newly minted wife run off to a dilapidated abandoned manor to take sexy pics and get their freak on. As they walk into the cobwebbed building, they reveal that Briarcliff manor was turned into a sanitarium in 1962 by a group of nuns and that it had housed a serial killer by the name of Bloody Face. To make a long story short, the couple giggles, have violent sexy sexy in a dank room, and then frolic to another part of the building to get more thrills.

While his wifey does a dirty deed to him down south that we cannot speak of, Leo sticks his arm into a small opening of a locked door with his iPhone video turned on. Suddenly, we see a flash of Gnarly Face in the iPhone camera, and before we can scream “Maroon 5, stay alive, sucka!” Leo’s arm is torn off…

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Chapter 2
Rewind to 1964. After being bullied by a gang of hoodlums who end up stealing his gun, a young gas attendant by the name of Kit Walker (Evan Peters) goes home to his secret wife, who is black. Before their roast beef is out of the oven, the two are roast beefing each other…but wait! A bright light suddenly infiltrates their bedroom window, and Kit runs out with a rifle to see if it’s one of the hoodlums trying to cause trouble. But what he encounters isn’t human! He runs back into the house when he hears his wife’s scream, and he ends up getting suctioned up to his ceiling and abducted by aliens…and he has goober all over his naked body.

Chapter 3
Reporter Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson) is dying to report on Briarcliff’s serial killer inmate Bloody Face, who’s allegedly skinned and decapitated three women, but she pretends to be pursuing a story on the sanitarium’s bakery. Go figure.

She meets up with dopey Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe) and the two go into the office of scary Sister Jude (Jessica Lange), who is buzzing off some of sex addict Shelley’s hair, played by Chloe Sevigny. (Her half-buzzed cut ends up looking way 80s new wave.) Lana can’t help but reveal her obsession to get the dibs on Bloody Face, but Sister Jude dismisses her with old lady nun-licious hate!

Bloody Face ends up being Kit Walker, who is charged for skinning his wife. As he walks around Briarcliff, he meets a nice crazy inmate named Grace (Lizzie Brochere), and we figure they’ll end up bonking each other before the season is over.

Click here to use xfinity.com/tv to DVR “American Horror Story: Asylum”

Chapter 4
We’re introduced to Sister Jude’s vehement enemy, Dr. Arden (James Cromwell) who seems to be secretly killing off inmates for scientific research. “Whatever it is you’re hiding will see the light of day,” Sister Jude threatens. “I’ll always win against the patriarchal male.” Looks like she not only hates science, but manly-man authority as well…we’ll see if there’ll be an Lorena Bobbitt action in the near future…

Aided by Sister Mary Eunice, Dr. Arden appears to be cutting up the inmates’ bodies and feeding it to some weird creature in the woods.

Chapter 5
Lana is secretly lesbian, and her live-in lover is school teacher Wendy (Clea Duvall).

Chapter 6
Sister Jude’s got a little secret of her own: She likes to fantasize about Monsignor Timothy Howard (Joseph Fiennes) while wearing red Victoria Secret Lingerie and smudging perfume on her senior-ific breasts! Although she disagrees with his insistence that Dr. Arden is doing important scientific research at Briarcliff, she relents—so long as she can be near the dashing Monsignor and lustily cook him some hot and heavy Tuna Helper.

Chapter 7
Attempting to feed the beast in the woods, Sister Mary Eunice runs off in fear and bumps into Lana, who is determined to get her story. They take off into the basement but something ends up grabbing Lana and smacking her unconscious.

Chapter 8
Dr. Arden drugs up Kit, straps him to a bed, and plans on dissecting his brain. But before that happens, things get sci fi on us. Unbeknownst to him, The Doc pulls out an alien microchip from Kit’s neck, and it turns into a robotic insect and scurries off!

Chapter 9
Lana wakes up strapped to a bed and Sister Jude tells her it’s time for her to get a taste of the psycho ward. She visits Lana’s lesbian lover Wendy and forces her to sign Lana’s mental health over or else she’ll reveal their secret. As Wendy does the ugly cry, Sister Jude reassures her that she’ll make Lana straight as a board after she’s through with her.

Chapter 10
Back to the future. As Leo lays in a pool of blood and wonders why he left his job at NBC’s “The Voice” to play a one-armed horny man, his wife runs to get help. Unfortunately for her, she slams into a freakishly bloody face with big eyeballs and really bad ginger curls. She belts out a bloodcurdling scream!

Hmm…whatever do you think happens next?

“American Horror Story: Asylum” airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on FX.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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