Sunday night’s premiere of the “Real Housewives of Atlanta” let the cat out of the bag when Bravo introduced newbie Kenya Moore…now we know who’ll be making the most “coochie crack” dram drams this season. Despite the other freshman cast member, Porsha Stewart, being M.I.A. from the show, the rest of the ladies returned with some refreshing (or expectant…ahem, Kim) life changes. Some of the ladies are expanding their families, some are falling in love, some are going to Hollywood, and others are focused on embalming dead animals.
Before your face becomes paralyzed with a permanent stink face, let’s start the show…
Ex-hubby Gregg Leakes enters NeNe’s house to serve her her mail. Although they’ve been divorced since September 2011, he’s apparently done a one-eighty and has been sniffing to get her
paychecks love back—especially now that she’s gone Hollywood as sassy assistant Rocky in NBC’s “The New Normal.”
To win her over, he compliments her glutes and her frontal jujubes as if he’s staring at some piping hot butterlicious Quaker Instant Grits. Still, NeNe is cautious with him…(even though it’s evident she’s not cautious with the wigs she chooses to wear).
“Gregg’s gotta prove himself,” NeNe adamantly tells the camera.
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While their post-divorce courtship is nursing old wounds, it looks like new love in the air…
Kandi giggles at a restaurant with her one-year boyfriend, Todd, whom we learn was part of Bravo’s TV production crew on the show last season.
As they bat their eyelashes at each other and smooch in public, they talk about moving in together and having more children—although Kandi says he first needs to put a ring on it.
Meanwhile, Kim is pregnant again with her 50th child (go figure) and is about to be homeless (go figure). Holding her protruding belly and looking orange as ever, she paces back and forth and complains how her decorator/landlord Kendra is evicting her and Kroy from her dream home since Kendra alleges Kim hasn’t paid her for all the work she did for the house. While Kim and her newly fired (and rehired) assistant Sweetie go through the ridiculous charges the moving company is asking for, Kroy coolly pummels Tostitos in his mouth, wondering what da hell-age he’s gotten himself into.
Committed to expanding her rigamortis-filled mortuary empire, Phaedra and her proud donkey bootie announce her dream to be the “Vera Wang of Funerals.” Thus, she visits a veterinarian clinic to see how she might be able to do memorial services for Fido and Fluffy in the future.
And then there’s former Miss USA Kenya. Grabbing lunch with Miss Lawrence, whom she’s known for many years, she reveals she’s been a serial runaway bride but is now ready to be committed. She expects her new boo, Walter, will bling her out with an engagement ring and get her pregnant…because hey, as she points out, she gets her way with everything.
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She also proudly adds that she doesn’t let anyone step over her.
“Don’t let the Louis Vuittons fool you; I will beat a b*tch out,” she threatens.
And her first possible victim? Let’s talk Cynthia.
It’s a big day for The Bailey Agency, with Cynthia and Jet Magazine collaborating to find the next Jet Beauty of the Week. A long line of bikini-clad ladies wait their turn to sashay down the runway, but unfortunately, Cynthia makes the grave mistake of allowing Alpha Kenya participate as a guest judge.
As model hopefuls show off their bootliciousness, Kenya begins to knock ’em down hardcore; she calls one participant a man (‘I was looking for an Adam’s Apple’), attacks one for being too timid (‘I’m talking to you—look at me’), and then lambasts another for letting her “coochie crack” slip (‘Why is she showing her coochie crack?! I’m offended!’).
While Cynthia seethes from Kenya’s unladylike behavior, one of her assistants comes to the model participants’ defense. Kenya looks at him like he’s an alien and then calls him a “b*tch.” As she screams “Security!” she unleashes her personal bodyguard (say wha?) who quickly gets up into the assistant’s grill. Feeling incredibly embarrassed, Cynthia breaks up the commotion, but Kenya still tries to dominate the situation by acting as if she’s running the casting call.
“If Kenya comes for me, I’m gonna come for Kenya,” Cynthia says with attitude as she sits in front of the cameras (indeed, we’re used to her being really brave in this setting). “We can do this all day long like a tennis match. Your court, my court. Let’s go.”
Alright then, let’s go.
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