Monday night’s premiere of the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” may have been filled with new faces (and this includes the surgically altered kind) but the same ole unresolved squabbles were present as ever. The main beef was between Lisa and Adrienne, followed by Kim and Kyle, and then Brandi, Kim, and Tay-Tay…and Jiggy and his effeminate pink Pavarotti blouses. (The last may not really be a joke, people.)
As the episode progressed, the anger and hurt feelings felt between the ladies made us long for a pick-me-up. Thankfully, it came and was in the form of Kyle’s pint-size curly q Portia, who made it a point to invite everyone to her “baf-day pah-ty” (that would be “birthday party” to us adults).
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On that note, let’s just jump right into the Heathers Club, shall we?
The premiere starts out with Lisa introducing her new mini mansion to Brandi, who’s apparently become the Brit’s new BFF. (Although the footage was left on the cutting room floor, first-season betrayer Cedric was filmed in her lush backyard, trimming her shrubs via his monstrous veneers and being led on a leash by Jiggy.)
But never mind that. The two ladies breeze through the hallowed halls, the two-story house that just makes up Lisa’s closet, and into the living room where they meet hubby Ken, who sports his signature Duran Duran hair forevermore.
Through Lisa, we learn that Brandi wants to have sex with Ken, Ken wants to have sex with Lisa, and Lisa doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. (If only Lisa knew Jiggy wants to jitterbug on Ken’s big toe…this could make for a kinky love quadrangle.)
After Brandi offers sex toys to Lisa and Ken (very normal behavior for her), Lisa informs Brandi she won’t be inviting Adrienne to her Villa Blanca anniversary party. Why? Because she can’t seem to get past Adrienne’s accusations during the last reunion show, in which she accused Lisa of selling stories about Taylor to the tabloids.
Feeling betrayed, Lisa seems to be surrounding herself with new blondies to replace Adrienne’s absence. Aside from Brandi, she’s rekindling her friendship with new cast member Yolanda Foster, a former Dutch model who’s now married to Grammy-award winning songwriter David Foster. (Zzzzz…)
We learn that Yolanda used to be the ex-wife of Lisa’s uber rich friend Mohamed…remember him? He’s the guy who hosted the Moroccan-themed (and camel-toe themed) engagement party for Lisa’s daughter Pandora. If that doesn’t ring a bell, he’s also the guy who is currently married to a 20-year-old fembot.
But let’s not talk mechanics. Let’s get back to the cast. Kim returns, recovering from her addictions to alcohol and making bad decisions—like moving in with crew-cut enabling trolls. But healing is a process, as evident by the distance Kim continues to keep with Kyle. She seems to be pretty chummy with older sis Kathy Hilton, though, whom we get to see (juicy cheeks and all) as she helps Kim’s daughter pick a dress for prom.
Meanwhile, the impending doom of Adrienne and Paul’s marriage is nowhere to be found as the two enjoy a nice dinner. Suddenly “Ring! Ring!”—Taylor calls and yaps about how she’s gotta find a dress to wear to Lisa’s party! Oh my! Adrienne frowns when she realizes she wasn’t invited. Oh, smack!
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Regardless, she meets up to go shopping with Tay-Tay, who claims she can no longer fit into size two children’s couture since she’s supposedly gained 10 lbs…unfortunately, the only additional poundage we’re able to see is in her lips. (How the heck could those blubbers get any bigger?! But apparently, they did.)
While they shop, Adrienne tells Taylor that Lisa’s grudge against her is getting “petty” and admits she feels pretty hurt by the snub.
During the night of the Villa Blanca Party, Lisa air kisses all the ladies as they trickle in and gape at the Speedo-wearing male greeters adorned with angel wings. Got two words for you: Grape Nuts.
Brandi is all nerves because she knows that Kim and Taylor want to break both her legs, so she starts yapping in her traditional crude manner and jokingly implies she’s slept with all of the men in The BH to Yolanda, whom she just met.
No big surprise, Kim and Tay-Tay end up giving Brandi the shaft, and Kyle and Kim exchange frowny faces all night because Kim doesn’t commit to going to Portia’s birthday party.
If things couldn’t get any icier at the restaurant, suddenly a huge floral (and somewhat phallic) arrangement is delivered to Lisa, and as she gasps at its enormity, she opens the card and realizes it’s from Adrienne! That sly Maloof Hoof!
Lisa squints her eyes with mistrust, not knowing if Adrienne is extending an olive branch or making a statement that she is well aware she wasn’t invited…
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Highlights From the Season
Suzanne Somers appears—could this be an infomercial for hormone replacement?! Kim gets a schnoz job? The return of Jiggy! Yolanda hates on Taylor! Paul calls Brandi “a piece of sh*t”! The return of Camille! Lisa and Adrienne continue to hate on each other! Lawsuits! Adrienne’s house (and relationship with crooked-nostrilled Paul) are in flames!
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