‘RHOBH’: Adrienne Maloof and Paul Nassif Attack Brandi Glanville, Threaten Lawsuit

Adrienne Maloof and Paul Nassif on "RHOBH" (Bravo)

It was Two Smalls against One Tall on Monday night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” The shouting match between the Maloofs and Belligerent Brandi was about to turn into headbutting or eyeball plucking or both(!)—but the real question was: What the heck were they fighting about?!

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Let’s go crazy…

The mystery begins at Lisa’s appetizer tasting at Sur. Conveniently, Adrienne and Paul aren’t there, which inspires Kyle to ask Brandi why she has beef with Adrienne. Suddenly, we get a montage of Brandi making her case about how shady the Maloof Hooves have been throughout the time she’s known them and how they tried to intimidate her into tweet bashing Lisa months back.

Being as blunt as she is, Brandi just lays it out there, revealing the BIG SECWET! Unfortunately, Bravo muffles her accusation, but the rest of table reacts to it as if they’ve all just taken a bunch of laxatives.

“It’s so private I really don’t know if Brandi realizes how below the belt she’s gone and how this will hurt Adrienne’s family,” says Kim.

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Based on this information, here are a few of my guesses on what the secret could be:

1) Adrienne used to be a man, hence her low, scruffy voice and drag queen appearance.
2) Paul had an affair with Jackpot.
3) Adrienne enjoys french braiding Paul’s back hair.

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Whatever the secret is, it freaks Kim out enough that she decides to tell The Smalls what went down at Sur at the worst place possible: Mauricio’s real estate party event. (Fortunately for Lisa, Ken’s hip surgery keeps both of them from attending and they miss the David(s) and Goliath brawl that is about to go down…).

Once Kim reveals the secret to the Maloofs, Paul’s nostrils flare and his body puffs out into even rounder meatball fury! Kim adds that Brandi called Adrienne a liar.

“I wanna slam this person right now!” Paul says, getting testy, as his eyes dart over to Brandi. Adrienne threatens slapping a lawsuit on the Big Mouth.

Trying to take the higher road, the Maloofs curtly tell Mauricio they’re bouncing the scene because they might just be tempted to go gangsta on a b*tch…but Paul decides he can’t control himself, and he goes gangsta.

“We just heard comments that that b*tch made,” Paul shouts as he glares at Brandi.

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Shocked and quick to invite a brawl, Brandi eggs him on. And before you know it, Paul and Adrienne grab their step ladders and scream at Brandi. The Blonde vehemently swears on her children she didn’t say what she’s being accused of.

“You lie! You lie!” screams Adrienne.

Cornered like a wild animal, Brandi resorts to her first line of defense when she feels threatened: She uses the F-bomb with a neck jerk. “F*ck youuu!’ she tells Paul, looking deep into his one bigger, black nostril.

“You’re a piece of sh*t!” screams Paul, as one his back-hair french braids comes undone.

After more F and B bombs, The Infuriated Smalls storm out of the party! Kyle puts her hands through her hair and angrily flares her nostrils at Kim for embarrassing and ruining her hubby’s business party!

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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