Sean Lowe was both creepy and simultaneously impressive on Monday night’s “Bachelor.” The heebee jeebies were in full force, thanks to his repeated statements that his “wife” was indeed somewhere standing before him; however, his weird obsession to find a bride (in two dang months) could be overlooked once we realized how sincere and open minded he was in finding someone—and that ethnicity was a non issue for him.
But besides this revelation, it was business as usual at the Bach Bitchy Bunny Mansion and weird, aggressive, and negative girls began slithering their way out from the forest of kitty cats—one being miniscule Tierra and the other being Fiona Apple’s long-lost cousin Amanda.
Let’s recap this and find a reason to laugh already…
Love On a Skyscraper
Sarah, the bachelorette with one arm, gets the first individual date with Sean. A helicopter picks them up, and as they leave, a whirlwind of sand particles slams into the other girls’ eyeballs, hair, and already itching crotches.
Because the producers are exhausted with trying to come up with new dates, the couple is forced to do one of the tried-and-true daredevil dates of zipping down a skyscraper to get to their poisonous alcohol prize.
Watch Monday’s Episode of “The Bachelor”:
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As they tremble in fear, they have no choice but to take the plunge! WEEEE! Sarah and Sean rocket down the glass building, and we see Mountain Dew streams splatter the windows! Thankfully, they make it to the bottom safe and sound…but we can’t say much for the muddy discoloration on the back of their skinny jeans.
In the evening they toast, and Sarah tells Seany Boy a sad story about a past ziplining experience where the employee refused to let her zipline because of her missing arm, but the only handicap Sean’s aware of at the moment is Sarah speaking in turtle mode. But he forgives her and goes ahead and gives her the rose. They kiss and his man meat becomes filled with love! Yeeehaww!
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On the group date, Sean takes 13 girls to a mansion and reveals they will be part of a Harlequin Romance Novel cover shoot. Excited to have an excuse to wear skanky costumes, the girls jump up and down! However, some ladies are already highly annoyed with Tierra, who seems to be giving off territorial, Mean Girl vibes, as indicated by her wild scowling eyebrows.
Although the girls do their best to win Sean’s attention, model-by-trade Kristy flashes her monstrous Colorado Rocky Mountain teeth and wins the cover shoot by being all sexy and modelina like with Sean. The girls look on in disgust, feeling like they’re watching a soft porn shoot.
In the evening, the ladies, famished and exhausted, find their way to a pool area and pummel their faces with gas-causing cheeses and tongue-stinging pineapples. Feeling the cattiness creeping out of the girls’ pores, Katie (a.k.a. the yoga instructor with the immeasurable poodle fro) decides her chakra is feeling all jacked up and tells Sean she’s gonna namaste her arse out of the competition. Out of respect for her, he walks her to the car and offers a mountain pose as a parting gift.
In the end, Sean gives Kacie B. and her ten sets of incisors the coveted rose. Looking on with small-person resentment, Tierra tries to stab the high school baton queen with her spider eyelashes.
The Art of Boring
For his last single date of the week, Sean takes bridal stylist Desiree out to an art gallery. However, he decides to play a prank on her and orchestrates a faux $1.5 million dollar sculpture piece to crash near her as she’s waiting for him in an empty room.
Des gasps when the piece shatters into tiny pieces before her eyes but overall remains calm. Sean comes to the rescue and tells her it’s a prank! She tries to laugh so as not to make the producers feel stupid for wasting so much money on something so unfunny…(but hey, either way we’re thankful for the lame segment since it allowed us to go to the john and make a move on Words With Friends).
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Sean takes Des back to his place for a steak dinner and quietly reminds himself that the girl before him is named Desiree—not Katie Holmes. After both talk about how much they worship their loving parents, they go into the hot tub and drink champagne. Sean hiccups and asks how she could let Suri wear high heels at such a young age. Before she can answer him, he gives her the rose and they lovingly make out and exchange steak burps.
The theme of the night is that Amanda is a freak fest, who is exercising her right: not to smile, not to respond to any of the girls’ questions, or comb her hair.
While everyone talks about what meds she could possibly be on, more ladies are also being put off by Tierra who’s giving them the cold shoulder because she’s Vienna Girardi incarnate…
As hatred and PMS abounds in the mansion, yards away in a dark room, Robyn decides it’s time for Sean to tell her what he’s looking for in a woman—and she’s referring to the racial issue. Seeing that there’s more than one minority who’s made it past round one of the show, she’s freaking out and fearing her head will explode at this unprecedented sitch.
Sean reassures her he doesn’t care about what color a gal is and that he’s actually dated the rainbow; in fact, he tells her the last lady he dated was black. She salivates and envisions Sean singing Billy Ocean’s “Caribbean Queen” to her.
When all is said and done, Sean hands out his roses and makes the mistake of giving the last one to frowny-faced Amanda…and thus, Fatal Attraction lives on for one more week. As for the two rejects, it’s just these two chicks name Brooke and Diana. Whatevs.
Highlights From Next Week
More diarrhea-causing freefalling! Aquamarine tank tops! Big toxic made-in-China toys from the fair! Halitosis-kissing contests! Tierra strikes! Tierra in a neck brace!