Monday night’s “Bachelor” revealed more deeply the disturbing psychoses of the sixteen women left to win Sean’s heart. With ring fingers and uteruses twitching in desperation, the ladies began to express how badly they were falling in love with a man whom they’ve only seen on television…and although we understand Sean’s breasts are larger than life, that’s still no excuse to jump the gun and sell your soul to the man just yet.
This Bach installment brought face sucking, game play, and philanthropy to a whole new level, and so without further adieu, let’s get on with it…
Kiss From A Rose
For his one-on-one date with Lesley M., Sean takes her to the Guinness World Records in Hollywood and tells her they’ll be breaking a world record of their own! Bow chicka wow wow! He takes her outside where they meet a screaming crowd of tourists, homeless people, and Chris Harrison. Chris tells the giddy couple that they’ll attempt to break the world’s record for the longest on-screen kiss—the current record being clocked in at at three minutes and 15 seconds. The rules of the game is that their lips have to touch the entire time—(but their privates parts are forbidden to bulge on national television). And they’re off! They slam their lips together and shake with laughter! An exchange of snot bubbles shoot onto their cheeks as people scream and puke onto the side of the street! Finally, they break the record! Yippie kay ay!
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After sewing their lips back on, Sean and Lesley eat outside on the rooftop of a hotel that we believe we’ve seen before on prior seasons of the “Bachelor.” Lesley tells Sean she has a great family and was a total nerd growing up…although she refuses to discuss why she looks like Yoshi the Dinosaur from Super Mario Bros. He smiles and challenges her to stop avoiding eye contact with him and to go ahead and kiss his mug. She dives in, and he gives her rose. His package bulges for three minutes and 16 seconds.
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Balls and Sand
On the group date, Sean and a dozen ladies go to the beach to romp around half naked. As the gals strip down, we hang our heads in sorrow as we discover some ladies have been genetically disposed to what I call “high boob syndrome” (where breasts abnormally grow right below the base of the neck).
Always the Great Interrupter, Chris Harrison pops in and tells the gals they’ll be playing competitive beach volleyball, with the winning team getting the opportunity to continue their dates with Sean! As the girls try to motivate themselves by imagining the volleyball as one of Sean’s cajones, our eyes are forced to watch horrible serves and vibrating buttcheeks slam in the sand. Ultimately, the blue teams wins, while the losing red team is forced to cry all the way home. Wah!
In the evening, the winners go to Sean’s pad for dinner. Various girls get one-on-one time, and atrocious tongue parties commence. As tension builds between Amanda and Desiree, Kacie decides to play “the game” in a desperate attempt to win Sean over. She pulls him aside and tattletales on both Amanda and Desiree, but no dice—Sean is turned off by her gossip. At the end of the group date, he gives the rose to mousey Lindsey, the silly drunkard who wore a bridal dress the first night.
Roller Coaster of Love
As AshLee eagerly awaits for Sean to pick her up for her one-on-one, Tierra gets into an “accident”: Bam! Bam! Bam! She tumbles down the stairs! As paramedics rush to the scene and straps a neck brace on her, Tierra begins to cry out of protest: “I don’t want to do this! This is so stupid! I just want to be left alone!” The girls begin to suspect she’s just pining for Sean’s attention…and apparently, her trick works! He tends to her with TLC, while the rest of the girls contemplate on shaving her eyebrows when she goes to bed.
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Finally, Sean takes AshLee to Six Flags, and at first, it looks like they’ll have the amusement park all to themselves—but wait! It’s “Bachelor” public relations time! Time for the show that celebrates delusional love and the exchanging of crabs to give back to those less fortunate!
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Sean tells AshLee that they’ll be spending their day with two young ladies, Emily and Brianna, who suffer from chronic illnesses. Pretending to be thrilled with sharing Sean with two other girls, AshLee puts her game face on. All four of them ride roller coasters and do the free fall! Weeee! As the sun goes down, and they’ve all finished belching from eating too much funnel cake, the gang dance to Sean’s favorite country band.
After the producers kick Emily and Brianna off camera and force them to eat cold pizza in the empty parking lot of Six Flags, Sean and AshLee finally get one-on-one time. Trying not to look cross-eyed, AshLee tells Sean she was abused at a foster home when she was a child and adopted at six years old. Emotional and exhausted from exposing his skin to poisonous UVA rays all day, Sean can’t deal and just cries it out. He quickly gives her the rose and then asks if they could go play with Emily and Brianna some more.
Too Late for Sorry
At the cocktail party, the ladies’ insecurities go into overdrive, and they ruthlessly begin to interrupt each other and steal time with Sean left and right! Although Kacie tries to make it up to Yellow-Haired Man by apologizing for her stupid move the night before, he admits it was just too ridonk for his tastes and tells her it’s time for her to hit the road, jack.
When it’s all said and done, Sean also boots off Taryn and Kristy.
Highlights From Next Episode
Jeeps! Canyons! Canyon cleavage! Roller derby! Tierra breaks down and growls at the gang!