‘Bachelor’: Sean Lowe Falls Under Tierra LiCausi’s Manipulative Spell

Tierra and Sean on "The Bachelor" (ABC)

Wow. Monday night’s eppy of  “The Bachelor” was so unmemorable that I was about to slam my ring into my forehead so I could copy the Omen cult marking that Tierra has on her forehead. What a manipulative hamster from hell!

Aside from her antics, which was an eye-rolling reminder of the Vienna Girardis and Courtney Robertsons of the past, the minority ladies were representing, especially now that Sean was in the mood to show that his non discriminate beefaroni loved all the colors of the rainbow! But at least in one instance, one of his experimental rainbows didn’t have treasure at her end…just a 100-karat Neil Lane diamond necklace and more teeth than the cameras could handle.

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We’ll get to that, but first, here are the highlights:

Glam on the Rocks
To test out his Iraqi glam queen, Sean takes Selma on a very unglam date: Joshua Tree National Park! He forces her to rock climb amid a scorching desert, and she panics in fear! Trying to overcome her nerves, she closes her eyes and imagines the ginormous crevices she’s about to climb up is Sean’s youthful man parts. Voila! Suddenly, she becomes energized and leads the way! The two finally get to the top as the sun sets, and they reenact the final scene from “Last of the Mohicans.”

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At dinner Sean continues to torture the upscale diva by taking her outside amid an RV sprawl. She lays her head on his chest, and the only angle that the cameras are able to get of her is a wide shot of her volcanic black nostrils. Not cute. Although Sean really wants to kiss her, Selma admits she’s forbidden because of her strict Muslim upbringing…although apparently, she’s free to show off her bulging melons with no fear of repercussion. Crazy for a challenge, Sean gives her the rose, and because no tongue dancing commences, the cameras sadly pan over to big fluffy marshmallows that we want to ravage.

Watch Monday’s Episode of “The Bachelor”:

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Derby Damage
For Sean’s group date, he takes a bunch of the girls out to roller derby, so they could have an easy excuse to almost kill each other! Splat they go! While Sarah cries over not finding her balance, Amanda shows off and lies, claiming she’s in a roller derby team back home…but her lying comes to a halt when she falls flat onto her chin!

When Sean sees the accident, he perks up, hoping this means the impact will shorten some of her skyscraper bottom teeth. The paramedics take her away to check her jaw, and the rest of the day, the group decides to simply skate to cheesy awesome 80s music.

At dinner, Amanda unfortunately returns without a cast on her face and milks the sympathy card. Robyn and Tierra get into a tiff over Robyn not wanting to acknowledge the pint-sized, Tasmanian Devil’s presence, which makes the latter stomp off and scream she can’t take “the fakeness” of the girls any longer! She cries for Sean, and he dumbly falls for it, giving her the rose. The ladies seethe with rage. Tierra beams with a sneaky, evil grin! Omen! Omen! Omen!

Pretty Woman—Not Pretty Enough, Apparently
To reenact the movie “Pretty Woman” and make his date feel like an honorary hooker for a day, Sean bequeaths Lesley H. with a pair of diamond earrings. They take off to Rodeo Drive, and Lesley picks out a dress, shoes, and a purse—but wait! There’s more, hookah! Sean, dressed in a tux, takes her to the Neil Lane store and drapes a 100-carat diamond necklace on her!

At dinner, Sean realizes she’s as boring as bricks and doesn’t feel they’re clicking. He tells her he’s not the man for her, and before he can say anything else, Neil Lane whisper screams in Sean’s earpiece, to get the dang necklace back. As a parting message, Lesley tells Sean he’s given some genuine, gremlin biatches roses that they don’t deserve. He ignores her, shoves her into a used Subaru, and dramatically drops his rose over a balcony…somewhere in Washington state, Jason Mesnick gets teary-eyed seeing his beloved balcony on camera again and quietly senses he picked the wrong one again—he should’ve chosen the balcony to be his wife.

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Manipulation at Its Worst
At the cocktail party, Robyn gets all metaphorical on us and teases Sean with a piece of chocolate. “Sean, do you like chocolate…which chocolate do you want to taste?” They slobber on each other, and we figure out that answer right quick! Yeehaw!

The rest of the girls talk smack about Tierra, and it begins to make the heaving guinea pig sweat. To prevent her main enemies from tattletaling on her to Sean, Tierra pulls Robyn and Jackie (Jackie who??) and faux apologies to them. They accept her apology, and the dark side wins again!

In the end, Sean decides purple chins and big teeth aren’t his thing, and he whacks off equally evil Amanda!

Highlights From Next Week
Tumbling in the snow! Blindfolded with bad breath! Marilyn Manson mascara! Tierra’s meatball seizure!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.


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