‘Bachelor’: Sean Lowe Is Perplexed and Frustrated With Tierra LaCausi

Sean Lowe and Chris Harrison on "The Bachelor" (ABC)

Montana is where the remaining 11 ovarian cysts flew to meet up with their beloved Sean on Monday night’s two-day event on the “Bachelor.” Ah yes, you’d think that Big Blue Sky Country would easily become Big Blue Balls Country, but this time, you’re so wrong like Donkey Kong.

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Instead of feeling the romantic fluidity of the great outdoors, Sean was feeling like a stiff and powerless moosehead because potato-headed Tierra was causing so much tension and drama among the gals, and to make matters worse, the girls weren’t being candid about her cesspool of negativity when he asked them for specifics! Where’s the exorcism, ya’ll?

Check out the unraveling here:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Meet Whoopi Goldberg’s Adopted Son
Having come a long way from her hiccupping, bridal dress-wearing rap, Lindsay gets a one-on-one date with Sean-iqua! After touring the Glacier National Park via helicopter, he takes her to an Indian reservation for a picnic…in the distance, we see Kevin Costner dancing with wolves and excitedly smelling their badonka donks in preparation for an upcoming sequel of his famous ’90s movie—although this one is going straight to DVD.

At dinner Sean romantically stares into Lindsay’s face and realizes she’s disguising her real identity: She’s a dead ringer for Buffy the Vampire Slayer! In turn, Lindz lovingly gazes into his eyes and realizes he suffers from WGS (a.k.a. Whoopi Goldberg Syndrome)…his eyebrows are nowhere to be found. They make out, and he gives her the rose.

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Sean Milks His Time With the Girls
On his group date, Sean forces the girls to participate in an outdoors exercise extravaganza! They must compete in a relay race, canoe race, hay relay, sawing a log (and we’re not talking Sean’s just yet!), milking a goat, and then as the final kicker, drinking the bah-aa-aad milk! The girls are split into red and blue teams, and the winning team’s prize gets more time with Sean! Hee hee!

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And they’re off! None of the girls can canoe worth jack! The girls can’t hay relay worth the hay! But suddenly, the next obstacle of log sawing ain’t no prob, bob! Why? Because they just imagine it’s a course in circumcision! After clipping that wood down, the girls dive into pulling goat nipples, which makes the goats feel totally violated! The red team wins, thanks to Desiree downing the goat’s milk.

But all that hard work was for nuttin, honey! Feeling bad that the blue team was sent home, Sean tells Chris H. to fetch them and bring them to the winners’ dinner. The red team seethes with fury, even as the goat milk hasn’t finished drying on Desiree’s butt chin!

Nervous about her two-on-one date for tomorrow, aggressive Tierra secretly crashes the red and blue teams’ dinner! She sneaks up on Sean and pulls him away—unbeknownst to the girls. Demon Child tells him she doesn’t want to be misled and expresses her unhappiness for him choosing her to be on the 2-on-1. After they kiss, she scampers off quickly before Sean sees her eyes turn red.

After making out with various girls and saying how special they are, Sean gives insecure Daniella the rose to make her feel better about herself. (We give her no more than two episodes to last.)

Two Smalls, One Tall
Sean takes Tierra and Jackie horseback riding to jumpstart their odious 2-on-1. Although Tierra’s horse freaks out and tries to back kick her all the way to China, Sean doesn’t notice the upheaval since he’s too worried about how long his SPF 500 will last in the scorching sun. When Sean takes Jackie aside, she tells him that Tierra is trouble, and he thanks her for tattletaling.

At dinner, the three of them awkwardly eat together. Feeling like he has a difficult decision to make, Sean looks over at Tierra and feels she’s full of drama. Then he looks at Jackie and can’t help but feel really sleepy. Determined to get the rose, Tierra tells Sean her sob story of being in a relationship with a guy who ended up dying from an overdose of drugs. Between her drama and Jackie’s uptightness (and bad dye job), Sean decides he’ll gamble on drama. He gives Tierra the rose and she cackles with delight!

Paralyzed By the Scorpio Sting
At the cocktail party, Sean feels the tension in the air and knows Tierra is the cause. Once the girls talk about how sweet Jackie was and imply she shouldn’t have been the one to go, Tierra storms off and sits alone near the fireplace. The girls roll their eyes, and Robyn and Lesley decide to call her on her BS and point out how cold she is with all of them, until the cameras come around.

“You’re insecure, not meee!” Tierra screams. “If I want to get engaged, I can get engaged. There are plenty of f*cking guys in the world!”

The girls raise their eyebrows and realize they’re speaking to a bipolar hobbit. Huffing and puffing, Tierra warns Robyn that she is a Scorpio and that when’s backed into a corner she’ll sting! Oh my!

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As she threatens the girls, Sean passes by and hears her trash talking. Frustrated and confused, he pulls her aside and wants answers. Tierra claims that the girls are attacking her and that her eyebrows are scared for their lives. Sean goes cross-eyed not knowing what to believe, so he asks some of the girls, and they dumbly offer him lackluster responses.

In the end, he makes the big mistake of booting off Robyn, Tierra’s #1 hatah!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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