‘Dallas’: (We Know ) Who Shot (Someone Who Is Not) J.R.

Larry Hagman and Josh Henderson in "Dallas" (Skip Bolen/TNT)

J.R. (Larry Hagman) and his eyebrows were in rare form this week on “Dallas.” It’s as if he knew that he didn’t have much longer and had to recite every last one of the quips that he had rattling around inside his head for our entertainment. His wit and wisdom this week includes the phrases “church social” and “rodeo clown.” The other Ewings got in some good quotes, too.

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“I’m J.R. Ewing. I can make a body appear in the middle of a church social without anybody knowing how it got there.”J.R. to Frank

I hope this quote was foreshadowing to an actual upcoming scene on the show. For once, boring Christopher’s (Jesse Metcalfe) boring plans lead someplace interesting, Christopher blackmails Becky into filing a missing persons report on her brother Tommy. Christopher is rightly convinced that Pamela (Julie Gonzalo) had something to do with his disappearance, and that if Pamela ends up in prison he will get custody of the kids. Christopher is too stupid to realize that Becky is still in league with Pamela. She tells Pamela that Christopher has voicemails that implicate both of them. Pamela looks her dead in the eye and says she didn’t hurt Tommy. She may be the true heir to J.R.’s throne. Becky demands $1 million to disappear. It is awesome that the real Becky is every bit the grifter that Pamela was when she scammed Christopher.  Pamela tells Frank to pay Becky off. The cops go “Dexter” on Pamela’s old condo, finding some blood splatter she couldn’t clean up. Christopher texts Becky that Tommy is dead and she could be in danger, because why not give the person you need to testify on your behalf a reason to skip town? She is about to flee when Frank arrives. We don’t get to see whether he paid her off or killed her or recruited her to be Cliff’s concubine. We just see Frank come home to find J.R. waiting for him with a proposal: make Tommy’s body reappear. Pamela will get in trouble, which will serve both of there interests. Frank is concerned that Cliff will know he is responsible for the return of Tommy’s corpse, inspiring J.R.’s above bon mot. He also taught us a valuable lesson: It’s a rare and beautiful thing when enemies share the same enemy.

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“Now I can finally tell you what I’ve waited 20 years to say: You were nothing but an egg donor for Harris. You were never worthy to be his wife.” — Judith Ryland

“There was only one woman good enough for that job isn’t there? Too bad it’s a crime to marry your son.” — Ann

This awesome exchange happened at the police station. Ann (Brenda Strong), having learned from Bobby (Patrick Duffy) that Harris (Mitch Pileggi) was behind the kidnapping of her daughter, has filed charges. She runs into Judith. What Ann does not say: Judith’s implied lust for her son is somewhat understandable in that they are the exact same age. She looks even younger this week without the matronly hairstyle she was saddled with in the premiere. Maybe it will turn out that she was only pretending to be his mother. We’ve had faux siblings, so why not take it to the next level?

So far, Emma seems like a real snot. Maybe Ann dodged a bullet. But there’s some ambiguity to the kidnapping. Ann admits to Emma that she had a drug problem at the time. She was on tranquilizers to deal with problems in the marriage. From another angle, Harris was a parent keeping a child away from an unfit mother. Emma continues to want nothing to do with Ann. This show has plenty of twentysomethings. Do we really need Emma? A lawyer says because Harris is Emma’s father, and the statute of limitations for custodial interference has expired, he cannot be charged Ann overhears, and takes off.

“Don’t you worry little brother, this is going to be my masterpiece.” — J.R. to Bobby

Bobby asks J.R. to help him bring Harris down.This time. J.R. is happy to be on the same side as his brother. After all, he hates Harris for torpedoing Sue Ellen’s gubernatorial campaign. He even seems to like Ann. It’s a corollary to J.R.’s earlier alliance with Frank. Once again, two people on opposite sides are forming an alliance against a common enemy. Unfortunately, thanks to Bobby’s misguided macho protective instincts which have only served to make everything more difficult for Ann, she has no idea that this revenge scheme is in the works. So she decides to take care of business on her own.

Ann asks Harris why he took Emma He makes her prove she is not wearing a wire by unbuttoning her blouse. He admits it was because she was about to leave him. Then he twists the knife talking about all the moments that she missed with Emma, concluding with, “Because I took that away from you forever.” So she pulls out a gun and shoots him and walks out, leaving him for dead! It’s a testament to this show’s writing that we have seen Ann firing and pointing guns throughout the series, yet this moment was still a surprise. Itwas in character, yet, because we think of Ann as a good person, shocking that she was willing to commit murder. Let’s hope J.R. can move Harris’s body to the nearest church social.

“Now darling, let’s not consider this work. Let’s consider this screwing over Christopher and Elena and stealing Ewing energies right out from underneath them” — John Ross pulling Pamela into bed

‘I like to be on top, darling.” — Pamela

Well, we have that in common, darling” — John Ross

Have there ever been two people more suited to each other than John Ross and Pamela? They are sexy, ruthless, hilarious and have everything in common. John Ross and Pamela are the couple to watch. However, they are determined to pretend that they are merely business partners with benefits.I don’t know why John Ross is wasting another moment thinking about milquetoast Elena (Jordanna Brewster). But he is.

“Son, that girl stomped all over your heart like a brahma bull going after a rodeo clown.” — J.R. to John Ross

Never having attended a rodeo, I’m not sure that I understand this simile, but J.R. is tired of watching his son moon over Elena. He thinks some good old fashioned payback will help John Ross finally forget about her. He suggests that John Ross use those puppy dog eyes you got from me” to persuade Sue Ellen to call in the loan she gave to Elena for the Henderson oil land. Apparently, Elena hasn’t done much with it because there’s some problem with the land. Sue Ellen gives her one month to get the oil flowing — and give her a share of the profits, Otherwise, she will demand her money back. Elena persuades her reformed trouble maker brother Drew to help her. He calls John Ross “J-Ro” so we know that he is lame.

John Ross bribes the Henderson foreman to not find oil until he says so. If Elena has to pay back Sue Ellen, she will default on her shares of Ewing Energy, which he then will be able to acquire.

“It’s a sad day when an old man can sneak up on a super Ninja.” — J.R. to Frank

Another line from J.R.’s conversation with Frank. J.R. said ninja. That is amazing.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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