‘Bachelor’: Sean Lowe Sees One Girl Freeze, While He Suddenly Rejects Another

AshLee and Sean Lowe on "The Bachelor" (ABC)

There were glacial waters, snowcapped mountains, and “hypothermia” on Tuesday’s special “Bachelor” addition when Sean-iqua took his sister wives to the amazeballs snow country of Oh, Canadaaa! And with nine women left, guess who needed an ambulance again? Think: Meatball of Fury (a.k.a. Tierra)…and this time, she wasn’t falling UP any steps.

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But aside from Tierra crying wolf and pretending to be half dead and blue, another moment worth noting was when Sean decided to kick a girl to the curb pre-rose ceremony since he wasn’t feeling a tingle down there.

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Ice Ice Baby
On his one-on-one date, Sean takes giggly Catherine to play with him on a glacier. They flip, do somersaults, make snow angels, and get snow fros. Because it’s so cold and the two are getting pelted with ice, Sean doesn’t realize his package has frozen over and broken off. Oh well.

When dinner time rolls around, the two ride on a carriage to an ice castle, and it’s here that Catherine equates “being deep” with sharing her story about having seen a girl get killed by a falling tree when she was 12. Aside from avoiding trees at all costs, Cathy Cat tells him the death-by-tree incident is why she laughs her hiney off all the time and acts real cutsie. Sean gives her the rose and his snowcapped broken package resurrects from the dead and potato sack hops back into its original place.

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Plunging with Precious
Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley, and Daniella meet up with Sean for their group date. After they canoe across the lake, the girls pretend that they have no clue what they’ll be doing, but they just happen to have bathing suits on hand. Sean announces they’ll be doing the polar plunge, which means they’ll be tossing their bodies into the icy lake!

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Being the only smart one in the group, Selma says hell-to-the-no on going into the freezing water. But the rest of the girls slap on their bikinis and jump into the water before Sean can examine their cottage cheese butts.

Seconds later, they scream their way out, and suddenly, Tierra decides it’s showtime! She starts going crosseyed and begins to fall onto the ground. Medics rush over to her and wrap her up in heat insulation foil—and thus begins her descent into mascara-running madness.

It takes four people to carry her to the car (she’s really dense, apparently), and she looks at her hands as they shake uncontrollably. (We realize she’s actually pretending to be the conductor of an acid-tripping symphony.) While hypothermia is being blamed for her bodily freakout, minutes later Miss Precious looks content with drinking hot chocolate, while her eye makeup runs down her face like an outtake from the movie “The Crow.”

Sean comes and visits Tierra, who (whoa! whoa!) now has oxygen tubes in her boogery nostrils, but really, helium is being serviced to her. He tells her to stay in bed the whole night, but of course, she disobeys (because she’s not really sick).

At dinner the rest of the girls happily meet up with Sean, but then swallow their puke when Tierra shows up all done up and ready to be the bane of everyone’s existence. In the end, Sean gives Lelsey the rose because she’s as cute as an amphibian. At seeing this, Tierra’s eyebrow hairs fall out, and she considers pretending to have a seizure.

Family Pics At This Stage Freak Sean Out
Freaked out that Sarah showed pics of her family to him at dinner, Sean decides to give her the boot. Offended that she showed him images printed on Kodak film rather than on Fuji, Sean just makes an excuse and says he’s lost connection with her. She cries all the way home and talks even more slowly than usual.

The Heart Is Where the Tent Is
For his final one-on-one date in Canada, Sean takes Desiree out to a national park to repel down a mountain to get to their food. The mushy-faced Katie Holmes look alike complains the whole way down, and we begin to despise her with all our might. Once they reach the ground, they have a picnic, and we learn how annoyingly didactic and boring Des is, and so, while the two climb a tree for fun, we file our toenails and fall asleep.

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At dinner, they walk into a teepee, and Des shocks Sean by confessing that she was poor as a church mouse growing up and the family lived in a dang tent and trailer parks. Amazed at her story, Sean immediately stares in wonderment at how straight and white her teeth turned out despite being so poor. He gives her the rose, and they finish the night out by watching “Brokeback Mountain.”

Big Nostrils and Big Bottom Lip Go Home
At the cocktail party, Selma decides to defy her Muslim family and kisses Sean. An alarm goes off and her family-operated chastity belt almost squeezes her uterus to death.

In other life-changing matters, AshLee (wow, the process of typing her name is really annoying, breaks my flow) lets Sean blindfold her as a symbol of her giving him control over her heart…but we know it’s an S&M thing, but whatevs.

At the rose ceremony, Sean decides to boot off Selma (guess that kiss came too late) and Daniella, who always managed to look and speak as if she were totally wasted.

Highlights For Next Episode
Virgin Islands! Tierra cries like a baby for the 100th time! Sean falls for it! AshLee and Tierra biatch slap each other with their pieholes!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.


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