“Nobody will take my sparkle away!” whined Tierra on Monday night’s St. Croix edition of the “Bachelor.” Wahhh! But Sean had the last answer on that, stank you very much, and he didn’t have to raise an evil eyebrow to be sure of what he had to do!
It was a crucial week for the sunburnt Sean-iqua Boniqua, who had to decide which four of his six kittens he was going to go on hometown dates with. And with three one-on-one dates and one group date—which was the only occasion he’d offer a rose on—the pressure was more explosive than any explosion he had ever experienced in his Texan cowboy pants. Yeehaw! Long live the South!
Hold onto your coconuts, here we go!
Letting It All Hang Out
For his one-on-one date with AshLee, Sean takes her on a catamaran to a private island. Once they get to shore, he asks her what da hell-age is going on with Tierra. She tells him straight up that the girl stabs people with her eyebrows, huffs and puffs, and isolates herself.
“Who you get is a completely different girl than the house gets,” AshLee confides. Sean thanks her kindly, and they slobber on each other and release manmade bubbles into the ocean.
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At dinner, AshLee confesses her last skeleton in the closet. She tells him she got married when she was 17 years old in an effort to escape her horrible relationship with her mom at the time. Sean touches her face ever so gently and tells her all he cares about right now is her silicone factory and the way those puppies hit the light amid the citronella candles.
Now that she got her big secret off her chest (pun intended), AshLee decides to stand up on her chair (why??) and screams “Hello, St. Croix!” and “I love Sean!”
“Ashley is special,” Sean says.
Oh yeah, she’s “special” alright, Seany boy.
Watch Tierra Begin to Lose it on Monday’s Episode of “The Bachelor”:
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The Devil Is in the Distance
Sean finally gives Tierra her one on one, and they explore the streets of St. Croix…(although she had complained to the girls earlier she had expected to go on a boat). But no matter, Tierra puts on her fake face and giggles and dances in the street, as they watch a parade of locals, dressed in Caribbean costume, shake the junk in their trunks.
Later, Sean and T-T sit on some steps, and he asks her how she’s doing in the house. She lies and says she’s been trying to talk to everyone, but they’re giving her the cold shoulder. “These girls aren’t going to be around much longer,” she says with a smirk. He looks away and is turned off by how much testosterone can fit into such a little body.
At dinner Tierra accuses Sean of being distant. Out of desperation, she tells him she is falling in love with him. She kisses him and her gargoyle toe nails scrape his legs. His package shimmies with delight, and he forgets the reservations he’s had.
For their group date, Sean wakes Catherine, Des, and Lindsay up in the wee hours of the morning and takes pics of them before they can wipe their eye boogers off. He drives them to the most eastern end of the island, and together they watch a beautiful sunrise. As the rays shed some light, Sean notices some of the girls have gone sasquatch on him and are in need of shaving their barnacles in places that we cannot speak of.
After having all day exploring the island, they end up on the most western end, and he pulls the girls aside for some one-on-one time to figure out whom he wants to give the coveted rose to. He first talks to Lindsay and falls deeply in love with the zit near her mouth. He then grabs Catherine and she tells him (in her 12-year-old voice) that her suicidal father is pretty much not in her life. She stares at the beach twitching and looks around to make sure they’re not near any palm trees. (Meanwhile, half his face is peeling off because he can’t get near a tree for her sake.) Last but certainly not least, he chats with Des, and she cries about how amazeballs her family is and that they’d welcome him with open arms in their newly renovated carpeted treehouse. At the end of the date, Sean decides to give the rose to Lindsay, and her zit pops out of excitement.
The Eye Avoider
Because Sean isn’t feeling the strongest chemistry with Lesley, he takes her out on his final one on one to have good convo with her for a few hours. They walk around in a plantation, and she stares more at the avocados than she does at his red lobster mug. Although she wants to tell him she’s falling in love with him, she backs out and continues their date avoiding eye contact at all costs. When they finally face suck, he gazes into her eyes in hopes she’ll look at him but instead, she goes cross-eyed.
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Toddler & Tierras
Sean invites his sister Shay to St. Croix, and they have a convo about the ladies. He tells her the only one that comes into question is Tierra, and Shay reminds him not to choose the girl that no one likes.
He walks over to the girls’ house to fetch Tierra to have her meet Shay, but little does he know Toddler & Tierras is going nuts like a little circus monkey on AshLee for “sabotaging” her relationship with Sean.
Trying to calm her down, AshLee tells Tierra she simply told Sean what he asked for and that she better check herself before she wrecks herself. The Mini Me hits below the belt (because, hey, that’s how far she can reach anyway) and tells AshLee she’s basically an old hag and that the house is just jealous of what Tierra has—a god-given “sparkle”! The two go back and forth as the rest of the girls stare dumbly with their mouths open.
Sean finally shows up and finds Tierra poo-poohing on her cot. “I’ve got such a big heart, and I’m so sensitive!” she cries. Breaking the world record for the reddest face in the history of mankind, Sean manages to get even redder! He walks out for a moment and then has his moment of clarity: He tells the little manipulative biznatch to hit the road. Yeehawww!
He walks her out like a gentleman, and she mutters he didn’t like her enough. “I can’t believe they did this to me!” she screams, blaming the girls. All her eyelashes fall out and her “sparkle” manages to escape.
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At the cocktail party the girls gasp as Sean tells them the news that he told Tierra to take a hike. He eyes AshLee as he says his decision came when he realized he didn’t like girls with drama! He also freaks the rest of the girls out by telling them he knows who needs to go home—thus, there will be no cocktail party!
But in the end, he keeps AshLee and says buh-bye to Lesley, who avoids his eyeballs even more now that he’s rejected her.
Highlights for Next Week
Fockerville! Buzz cut two-star general fathers! Catherine’s sisters get critical! Des’ brother resents Sean for having never lived in a tent!