Sean embarks on an international journey of Pad Thai proportions! Monday night’s “Bachelor” brings us to southern Thailand, where the bumpy islands equate to the bumpity-bump-bump overnight dates and the two massive bumps on AshLee’s chest!
Unfortunately, with Lindsay, AshLee, and Catherine left, the stakes got so much higher, and Sean had to decide whether he could stomach crushing the heart of either two junior high girls or one puma who loves talking about her road to recovery. Whichever one did he choose? And did each girl accept his invitation to make his fantasies comes true all night?
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Lindsay and Sean spend a romantic day on a market date. Since some of Thailand’s customs are known to freak Westerners out, Sean and Lindsay find themselves gawking at fluorescent chickens, buffalo ball-sized corn dogs, and edible caterpillars bigger than Sean’s beef loin! Challenging Lindsay, Sean gets her to eat the caterpillars and grasshoppers on sale, and she does so with watery eyes, while the insect vendors laugh their skinny, tan heinys off.
Catch Up on Last Week’s Episode of “The Bachelor”:
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Later the two sit on the beach and exchange affectionate expressions of coupley bliss. While Lindsay smiles wide, Sean sees a grasshopper leg stuck in between her two front teeth. They strip down into their swimsuits and meet a bunch of beach monkeys and feed them grapes. Mistaking them for a pair of grapes, the monkeys attack Sean’s meatballs to finish their meal off.
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At night they go to a display of illuminated boat floats and have dinner. “I’m taking this real serious,” Lindsay promises, and we realize her inability to use adverbs correctly is the reason why she’s a substitute teacher and not a full-time teacher…
Before she can muster the courage to say she loves Sean Juan, a bunch of Thai dancers shake their groove thang. Regardless, Sean doesn’t care for the L-word because all he cares about is the PP-word—pasty pumpin. He gives her the overnight date card, and she agrees to the fantasy suite. It’s there that she finally tells him she loves him! He stares at her, and all he sees is a giant va-jay-jay before his eyes. They kiss, and Lindsay gobbles up his face, her jaw looking oh so manly.
Caving Into Love
It’s AshLee time! The two lovebirds hop on a boat and sail out to sea. As they bask in the sun, Sean’s body turns redder and redder. The producers run and dump buckets of spf lotion on him, but to no avail. It’s full-on Red Lobster.
In order to get to their private beach, Sean tells AshLee they’ll have to swim through a dark cave. Suddenly, we hear her voice over, and she begins talking about her fear of rejection and abandonment as an orphan childhood…and we all play our invisible violins with great fervor.
The two jump into the water, and Sean leads the way. Ash’s control freak sensibilities begin to creep up as they enter the dark cave of no return. Once again, we are terrorized by her narration as she starts using the cave as an analogy of their budding love journeying into the unknown. Although Sean considers drowning her, he unequivocally cannot because of her protective and ever buoyant man-made floaties that’ll keep her bobbing forever. Once they get to the other side, Sean keeps her from vocalizing how wonderful their relationship is in the context of her psychological trauma by smashing his peeled lips against hers.
At dinner, Sean gets down to business and asks if she’ll let go of her control to give him the ride of his life! She reads the fantasy suite date card with trepidation, but to reassure her, he says he just wants to “talk” all night. She says okay because she “trusts” him. They go to his room, and Lindsay’s bikini top is on the couch. Sean grabs it and tosses it off to the side before AshLee sees it. And with that, AshLee’s “this man” monologue commences: “I love this man. This man has mended my broken heart. I can marry this man.” We keel over and die a slow death.
Weird Is As Weird Does
Sean meets up with Catherine, and she jumps for joy like a 5 year old, causing some of her mom’s old egg rolls to fall out of her dress. They hop into a boat and expose their young bodies in the sun, which gives Sean major sun blisters on his face and blonde-barnacled legs. Catherine won’t stop talking about how happy she is about him accepting her weirdness. They go snorkeling, but then it quickly starts to thunderstorm and lightning scars the sky! He does a tongue dance with her, and the two get electrocuted with lust!
At dinner Cathy Cat again talks about the state of being weird, and now we’re starting to get weirded out. Although she feels pressure for giving out the goods on the fantasy suite, she relents and says she’ll join him when he tells her his intentions are babymaking free! Plus, he adds, they’ll be spending most of the night intimately peeling off his sunburnt skin. She gladly accepts, and Thai reptiles everywhere rejoice that Sean knows what it feels like to experience the transformation of shedding!
See Ya Wouldn’t Wanna Be Ya
Because he’s got stronger relationships with two of the gals, Sean knows whom he wants to boot. As he watches video love confessionals from the girls, Lindsay promises to be the most boring and predictable wife ever, Catherine confesses she gets the “wiggles” just thinking of him, and for AshLee, it’s, of course, another therapy session, in which she speaks of him fixing her broken spirit and her excitement of what a perfect man he’s becoming. Very “Jerry Maguire.”
In the end, Sean knows he must take off the burden of being that perfect savior of a man and says buh bye to AshLee. Once she realizes he’s rejected her, she gives him the look of death for what seems like eternity. Sweating bullets, Sean walks her out, and she tells him to step off and follow her no more! He begs her to hear him out, but she just stares at him with hatred. Finally, without a word, she climbs into the 1990 Minivan Taxi of Rejection, and we know she has now resorted to being that 5-year-old abandoned girl again—with a vengeance. Preacher Daddy’s upcoming therapy bills? Off the charts.
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