‘Bachelor: Women Tell All’: Did Sean Mislead AshLee in the Fantasy Suite?

Sean Lowe and AshLee on "The Bachelor: The Women Tell All" Special (ABC)

Monday night’s “The Bachelor Women Tell All” was in fine form with a crowd full of cult-like unison screaming, bewitching black manicures, and even a spotting of the twins from “The Shining”!

Instead of being exposed to Chris Harrison’s horrendous pronunciation of “finale,” we were given the alternative cheeseballer new vocabulary term “Bachelor Nation” to chew on and new filler-time footage of showing Chris and Sean crashing “Bachelor” viewing parties…but we know the latter was introduced so Chris could take advantage of the cheese puffs (did you see that boy stuffing his owly face)?

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As for the actual show, the ladies were fairly predictable: They bashed The Eyebrow of No Return (a.k.a. Tierra), and AshLee showed the bionic opposing distance her breasts could reach without affecting the placement of her arms. But her hair looked fab, wouldn’t ya say?

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The only surprising element of the night was AshLee’s accusation that Sean said a dishonorably misleading thing to her, which brought out some gasps from the freakily happy audience.

Anyway, unless we want to get depressed with any more dead doggie pics like they showed at the end of the show, off we go to Bachelor Nation…

Because her jaw had a difficult time fitting through the doors, Tierra waited backstage before she jumped into the judgment seat. Dousing herself with Britney Spears perfume and wearing a dress that Snooki would buy from the Jersey Shore boardwalk, Tierra talked to Chris with a self-aware soft voice and played the victim…again.

See Tierra’s Defense Against the Ladies:

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She spoke of how wonderful and morally righteous she was, and the girls’ inability to see her “sparkle” because of their intense jealousy of her. “When I walk into a room, I bring this joy,” she said, as the girls began to have mini seizures of rage in their seats.

The most offensive thing she said? That she had no regrets. The girls looked at her in disbelief. Robyn exclaimed she was clearly “delusional.” AshLee told her she had no character. Ergo, these attacks signaled Tierra’s eyebrow erection.

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In the end, Tierra the Tierrable pretended to be humble and apologized for her shortcomings, while trying to create buzz about her engagement to her mystery man by initially keeping the date of when she got engaged a secret. Whatevs. Next villain, please!

According to Chris H., Sarah truly captured America’s heart…and that was my cue to take my mouthguard out of my denture cleaner solution…

Sarah admitted she thinks she keeps getting dumped by men because of her one arm, but we want to pat her on the back and tell her that’s not the reason at all; it’s just because the speed and cadence of her voice is like taking a bottle of NyQuil.

Watch Monday’s Full Episode of “The Bachelor: The Women Tell All”:

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Katie Holmes Desiree
After her brother removed the leash off her neck, Desiree joined Chris H. on stage. She told the host she thought she had exceptional chemistry with Sean but ultimately–albeit sweetly—blamed her bro for jacking up their relationship.

“I didn’t expect to fall for Sean,” she said. (Umm…then why da hellage did you go on the show?)

No matter. She’ll probably be the next Bachelorette…unless the producers discriminate against girls who used to live in tents.

Oh, “This Man”! She indeed fell in love with “This Man”! But “This Man” blindsided her with his rejection, and thus, entered the look of death!

Although AshLee admitted she’s no longer in love with Sean-iqua, she equally confessed he broke her heart and “kinda acted like a frat boy.”

Looking as if he just got a chemical peel from all the sun damage he accrued in Thailand, Sean began chatting with Chris H. about AshLee. She joined Sean in the hot seat and decided it was time to match the look of death with some words of death!

After Sean confessed that he wasn’t as into her because she wasn’t as giggly as Lindsay and Cathy Cat, AshLee told him he was not a gentleman for making her go through the rose ceremony and not checking up on her after he kicked her and her wide breasts to the curb.

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And the big whammy? She accused him of telling her in the fantasy suite that he totally didn’t have feelings for Lindsay and Catherine. The audience pulled their weaves out and screamed! Chris H.’s nose fell off. But Sean denied it! AshLee pressed on and claimed that he said it twice and looked at him in incredulity. “You think I would just make that up?” she asked. But he kept denying her claims—even when they were on commercial break.

If only AshLee could get into her small hexagonally shaped head that “This Man’s” bananarama was doing the talking that night, it would easily explain his memory loss…

“Finale”—or as Chris H. would say—”Fah-nahhl-ay” Highlights
Elephants! Sean’s Fockers! Sean’s nails reveal calcium deficiency! The mystery letter that gives Sean a pair of red eyes! Wahhh!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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