“Dancing with the Stars” week three was taking us to the prom! This was a theme that had never been done on my favorite reality show before, so I was really feeling it, even though I didn’t go to my own prom (but don’t cry for me, readers, because this ugly duckling turned into a swan….if I do say so myself!). Anyway, I was digressing again, but hoping someone would reenact the movie scene from “Carrie” for “DWTS” prom night. Was I asking too much?
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As the show began, we remembered how Dorothy Hamill withdrew last week and it was sad again, but we were moving on, folks! I thought Wynonna Judd and Tony Dovolani had the most interesting outfits for prom night when the couples walked down the stairs. They looked very early ’80s with Tony as a metal head wannabe. Even Brooke Burke-Charvet and Tom Bergeron dressed up in their prom best. Loved the fake permed hair on Ms. Brooke as it brought back memories of my own fried ‘do back in the day!
The stars did a little introduction which looked like the show’s dance marathons, except without judging. It really got us into the spirit backstage! Jacoby Jones had his shirt unbuttoned—where were the chaperones on prom night?! Andy Dick and Sean Lowe did the worm and Aly Raisman performed some cartwheels. Time for refreshments! But no, instead it was:
Aly Raisman and Mark Ballas: Viennese Waltz
Aly confided she HAD gone to her prom, which was surprising to me with all her gym training. Mark asked her some creepy question in rehearsal about if she kissed her cute prom date. My fellow reporter wanted to know something er, even deeper. But Aly, 18, wanted to do a romantic dance and I was surprised considering how fresh Mark acted in practice. I hadn’t enjoyed their first two dances much this season so I was expecting them to step it up. Their dance started with the two being hit with arrows by some strategically placed cupids. Their waltz was quite fluid and Aly seemed really into it without having those awful facial expressions like last time. It ended beautifully with Aly in a clench with Mark, but all very sweet and proper, like puppy love. Judge Len Goodman joked around that he didn’t like it but then said it was April Fool’s! Oh, yeah, I forgot. Bruno Tonioli said Aly moved so well but she needed to work on her frame. Carrie Ann praised her refined movement; however, she wanted to see her play a character. I didn’t! It seemed to me that was what wasn’t working the past two weeks! People laughed backstage when Brooke told Aly something like “so you’ve never been in love” before whatever her question was. Say what?! Brooke was one doozy of a hostess!
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Andy Dick and Sharna Burgess: Cha Cha Cha
Andy revealed he was homecoming king, which I never would have guessed! Then, in practice, Sharna was swearing because Andy was holding her hands too tight. This twosome started fighting in rehearsal and Andy had one of his meltdowns and burst into tears. He took a deep breath. Their dance started with Andy sitting alone without a prom date, but then Sharna appeared in black leather to take him to the ballroom! Catwoman. What a great fantasy prom date! “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” played but Andy looked like a nerd in red suspenders and his dance skills matched, unfortunately. He simply had to dance around the gyrating Sharna. At the end, he stripped his shirt off and sorry, but yeech. The whole thing was a mess that didn’t work at all. Bruno said it was the revenge of the nerd but his timing was off while it was entertaining. Carrie Ann said Sharna looked great, a giveaway that the dance sucked. And Andy? She claimed it was entertaining but I didn’t even see that. Len compared Andy to a sneeze. “You’re not a great dancer,” he added. But? “You make me feel good.” I wasn’t feeling good, though, because Andy had been SO much better the past two weeks and I wanted that old Andy back. This dance, in which he tried to be sexy, didn’t make much sense to me. Backstage, he stripped down again to show his spray tanned chest. Please, no more!
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Ingo Rademacher and Kym Johnson: Paso Doble
The Aussie duo discussed their dance from last week and in practice, Ingo said his prom was as boring as s—. Now, he apparently wanted to get even with a really sexy prom dance. But at 42, the General Hospital star was really laboring in rehearsal. Never mind. He came driving up in a motorcycle to pick up his prom date, Kym, to start the number. Ingo looked super aggressive dancing to “Another One Bites the Dust”. I thought his body would look better in that black wife beater tee; the costume didn’t impress me much. Also, his character in the dance was so dark and strange—was he supposed to be the prom bully, or what? According to Carrie Ann, he threw a lot of power into the dance. Still, she told him his core was weak, of all things. Len liked the feel of the dance and his sense of attack while Bruno said he ripped Kym to shreds. “You have so much intensity,” Bruno gushed.
Lisa Vanderpump and Gleb Savchenko: Viennese Waltz
This couple was in danger of elimination last week, so Lisa was crabbing about the votes to Gleb in rehearsal. Lisa was twirling around in her black leotard, as good a campaign for votes as any—I mean, how did she look this great at 52? And those legs? Mind blowing. This was a romantic dance but Lisa looked a little stiff in the beginning of it. I still felt her problem was mostly in the arm movements. She didn’t look graceful when she was waving them around in the air. Oddly, they covered up her bottom half this week in a frothy long ball gown, which didn’t take advantage of her great legs. Gleb lifted her completely off the floor at the end—was that allowed? Len said it was free and easy and very light. According to Bruno, it had a regal quality to it. Bruno thought she was much better than in the first two weeks but I couldn’t disagree more; she was in stasis. “I love watching you,” Carrie Ann told Lisa. I loved watching her legs – in rehearsal.
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Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough: Jive
The country cutie has been the biggest surprise of season 16 but this week she would have to do jive, one of the hardest dances there is. Derek was wearing a hat in rehearsal, for some reason and Kellie was making a lot of faces to imitate her partner’s “wasp face.” Derek asked Kellie to go to the prom by posting a big sign to start the toutine, then slid down the stairs—wow! Kellie gyrated perfectly and someone backstage clapped already when Kellie slid through his legs like a pro. They were dancing to Footloose and did that remind you of a certain sister of Derek? Bruno said it was crisp, tight, and precise. “Amazing,” Carrie Ann concluded. She felt Kellie had hit every step. Even Len called her the queen of the prom! Hey, wait, Kellie had stolen the crown – there were still some other dancers to compete. I didn’t think anyone could be any better tonight, though. Derek had another winner on his hands. But the judges held back slightly given their raves.
Victor Ortiz and Lindsay Arnold: Contemporary
Victor said he had been too broke to go to his prom. Wow, depressing. Lighten up, Victor! Lindsay just stared at him blankly. Where was the compassion? Anyway, they got along well otherwise in practice. As their contemporary started, Victor led Lindsay across the floor like she really was his date and then took her into a skilled lift. They rolled around on the floor and in the exhaust from the DWTS fog machine and this boxer proved he had rhythm. They ended the dance with a sweet hug. I hoped Victor wouldn’t be in the bottom two this week because he didn’t deserve to be. It was a fantastic dance. “You’re a dancer,” Carrie Ann sputtered. She felt he had told the story so well and Len also said he was pleasantly surprised. And Bruno? He said it was unbelievable and gave him a standing O. See? People who don’t go to their proms can dance, too!
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D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke: Salsa
Last week, D.L. redeemed himself from the horror of week one but I was still expecting this dance to be awful. See what an optimist I was! D.L. went to his prom solo, apparently, given the photo of him alone in a white suit. Dancing to James Brown, D.L. pretended to be a sex machine but he looked as stiff as an 80-year-old man. Sorry! Gotta be real. The comedian and Cheryl stayed on top of a prom platform all night and the pro danced circles all around him in complete desperation. A wag backstage wondered if D.L. could even “get up!” off the floor at the end of the dance as soul singer Brown ordered in the song. Len dissed him, saying he wasn’t a sex machine. I thought that, too! To Len, it wasn’t a salsa at all. Bruno joked about him needing a hip replacement but Carrie Ann was kind and said he was making baby steps. D.L. looked so sad behind his big black-rimmed glasses. I felt bad for even criticizing him, so I wouldn’t any more. At least not unless he came back next week. Was that even possible?
Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff: Rumba
It looked as though Jacoby went to his prom or maybe got kicked out? At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I couldn’t understand a word he said. He also told a story involving Hurricane Katrina and his New Orleans hometown but, alas, you know, I couldn’t hear that, either. Jacoby started his rumba backing up on the dance floor and bumping into prom beauty Karina. Well, sort of, and he was shirtless so we could see all his tattoos. Was this allowed at the prom? He spun Karina around better than a football and was rewarded with an overhead shot from the ABC cameraman. A little applause backstage for this one. I felt it was like an art piece where maybe Jacoby didn’t do every move right but was spellbinding anyway. Bruno called him the great and powerful while Jacoby wrinkled his nose and tried (in vain) to say something. Carrie Ann was impressed with Jacoby’s connection to the dance while Len (in a loud pink dress shirt by the way) gave him a huge rave. Jacoby spoke through his dance! Yay!
Wynonna Judd and Tony Dovolani: Samba
My fun couple wanted to rise in the standings this week. Wynonna wore a very simple dress to her prom and looked really pretty in her retro photo. They would be dancing to Def Leppard this time, hence the black leather outfits. Wynonna actually met the members of Def Leppard at a concert and got their advice on how to rock it out. Wy and Tony began the routine with a lot of swagger and danced around a pole but the country singer still wasn’t fast enough (same as last week). Tony crawled under her legs and almost got stuck and later, Wynonna pranced in place a lot. How much dancing was there in this number? Not much! Okay, so not as stiff as D.L., but close. “You know I love you,” Carrie Ann started, so we knew she didn’t like it. The nice judge then basically said what a mess it was. Len said their samba had no rhythm and the singer just kept going wrong. Bruno said, “oh, no, Wynonna! It was a bit sedated!” Wy graciously pointed out Dorothy Hamill in the audience. OMG—then she scored lower than DL!
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Sean Lowe and Peta Murgatroyd: Cha cha
Well, of course, this guy went to his prom! He was “The Bachelor”! Peta pointed out his awkwardness in dancing in practice but c’mon, this was the prom king if I ever saw one. Sean gave Peta some flowers in rehearsal—was that all he could do? We would see as the dance started with Sean performing to The Village People’s camp classic “YMCA” and wearing the hard hat and overalls. He appeared to stumble at one point and was pitching forward too much (too muscle bound to stand straight?). Anyway, Peta looked sexy in her Indian costume. The whole thing to me was pretty hokey and dismal, although Sean smiled throughout as usual. But Len shocked me by declaring it was his best dance yet. Bruno thought it was full of fun although Sean needed to clean up the footwork. Carrie Ann joked that Bruno should have been in the routine! Sean told Brooke he purposely chose the most masculine of the Village People costumes. In other words, he’s not gay, people!
Zendaya Coleman and Val Chmerkovskiy: Viennese Waltz
This Disney kid is only 16, so she hasn’t been to prom yet. But Zendaya was praying tribute to her grandma’s prom night, which was so touching. Val was mumbling about her steps in rehear and she hit the deck, hard, at one point. But the teen actress was just fine and hit the ballroom floor in a gondola before starting the dance with Val. Not much for me to say here—she looked and danced like a star. They saved the best dance for last, in my opinion. Zendaya s effortless and Val was window dressing. Bruno said it was enchanting and silky smooth; Carrie Ann gushed about her lyrical quality; but Len had some grouchy quibble about the arm work and everyone in the audience booed him. Prom night was over—save me some punch!
Find out who’s going home on the “DWTS” results show Tuesday at 9/8c on ABC.