‘Bachelorette’ Premiere Recap: Desiree Gets Pressured into a ‘Fantasy Suite’

"The Bachelorette" (Photo: ABC)

Monday night’s “Bachelorette” season premiere, starring Desiree Hartsock as Katie Holmes, ignited with spectacular fireworks! There was magic (literally)! A knight in shining armor (literally)! An exhibitionist (literally)! And major sexual harassment of the fantasy suite nature (like, literally)!

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But despite all the glitz and glam, Dezzy Des remained grounded…why? Because she used to live so close to the ground (i.e. girly once lived in a tent). That’s right. Her sob story is that she and her fam used to be so “po” they onced lived in a daggum tent amid the great outdoors. This living-in-a-tent experience will clearly be a running theme since Des had multiple ugly cries at the idea of living in ABC’s luxurious “Bachelorette” pad last night.

As for the 25 eligible “hunks”? Well, is it us, or did you notice the stark decrease of brutish Man Code permeating the tube? Not only that, but we observed that the men also held more stereotypically responsible professions like “doctor,” “lawyer,” “(rich) entrepreneur,” and “dentist.” That combo of sensitivity plus financial stability might be telling in what Des is looking for in her potential babymaker.

Regardless of this promising formula of Des’ perfect man, it definitely didn’t rule out the presence of cray-cray…

Cry Baby
After her wonderful montage of giggling, crying multiple times over living in a stylish pad, and being forced to show off her slender body and cankles while rollerblading on the boardwalk, Des sits down with Chris Harrison and his “hip” floral dress shirt to talk about her 25 eligible bachelors and the strength of her husband-o-meter.

And oh, how we’ve missed the earnestly fashionable Christopher-poo! In his zillionth attempt at looking ever so young, we figure next season his stylist will make him dress up in OshKosh B’Gosh overalls and give him a binkie. Word, word…

Watch Monday Night’s Season Premiere of “The Bachelorette” Below:

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Hours later, the night has come! Des stands in her glittery silver dress in front of the Bach mansion as the limos pull up full of virulent men…here are some of them who stood out to us:

The Boys
– Nick R.: The tailor and Alec Baldwin-lookalike is half of Des’ height and loves to perform magic tricks! Tah dah! Due to their height difference, he speaks to her breasts the rest of the night.

– Kasey: The social media expert overuses the word “hashtag”…and overwears those Cole Haan Oxford shoes that every other yuppie guy is wearing nowadays. #Generic

– Brooks: The sales and marketing rep has the mouth and voice of a woman, which are highly disturbing.

– Jonathan: The lawyer thinks he’s being cute as he immediately hands Des a fantasy suite card at their introduction, but she disses him saying “I’m not that kinda girl.” As we’ll see, Jonathan’s inebriated hobbit in his nether regions doesn’t register her dismay.

– Zak W.: The rich entrepreneur likes showing off his manhood amid the great outdoors. (If you observed closely, the cameras only needed to blur a very small surface area to censor it.) In keeping with his I-heart-being-buck-naked lifestyle, he introduces himself to Des with his shirt off in order to show his chesticles and six-pack.

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– Larry: The four-eyed ER doc tries to romance Des by dipping her as they dance, but he ends up just tearing her dress. Losah! When he gets to chat with her during the cocktail party, he focuses on posing rather than having a real convo with her. Des’ giggles and upward-moving eyebrows indicate how much of an inauthentic freakfest he’s being.

– Ben: The Texan entrepreneur decides not to wait to tell Des he’s a dad; he shows her. He brings his little son with him and proudly lets her know he can produce lovely offspring. He wins brownie points with her later in the night for being so down to earth and sincere and thus, gets the first rose! The rest of the 24 men conspire to put a laxative in his drink…

Highlights From the Cocktail Party
Once Ben parades his rose, the rest of the men get antsy and try to up their game. Naked-lover Zak W. decides to strip down to his briefs and jumps into the pool to get Des’ attention. She giggles and simply walks away with another guy. He feels dumb, BUT! his stunt ultimately impresses Des, and she pins his rose near his va-jay-jay pee pee, and he congratulates it!

As the night winds down, Jonathan (a.k.a. Fantasy Suite Man) drinks his nerves away, which only strengthens his visions of Action Jackson with Des! At various times, he tries to take her into a room but she refuses. Finally, by the end of the night, she lays down the law to the lawyer and tells him he can take his fantasy suite key and shove it up his hole because she’s dunzo with him! He walks out to an awaiting van without saying goodbye.

Rosy Results
Since there are too many dudes whom we don’t really care about at this point, just know that Kasey (#hashtag) surprisingly gets a rose, but the ER doc, Knight in Shining Armor, and the lil Magician are sent packing. And perhaps out of compassion because they can’t see straight, Des keeps all of the contestants who are cross-eyed—and strangely, there were a number of them.

Highlights From the Season
Lots of Rated R kissing! A shot of a bald head! Mountains! Castles! Nuts crack! Man-on-man choking! Punching! A girlfriend comes on the show—say whaaa?!! James the Beefcake stirs the pot! Lots of eye rubbing and forehead rubbing due to stress! Wahhh!

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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