“I’m tired of listening to Gorga-Giudice family drama; it’s right up there on my priority list with bleaching my a**hole,” so says the eloquent Jacqueline Laurita on the season premiere of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” which airs on Bravo this Sunday at 8/7c.
Ah yes, the Gorga-Giudice hellacious state of existence is the seemingly never-ending theme of this upcoming season…and probably next season, and the season after that.
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Sure, you can expect there to be more heightened levels of: screaming, cursing, “Hekyll and Jyde”-“youse”-and-“ingredientses” Giudician verbal gems, as well as meatball-on-meatball dwarf attacks from the Joes. But every freakin’ season it gets more elevated! Is that what we really want anymore, youse guys? If only we could dream up a different story to mix things up…oh, but we can dream!
Here are 11 things we really wish could happen this season:
1) Teresa admits that the reason why she’s so jealous of Melissa is due to forehead envy.
2) Caroline gets off her moral pedestal and realizes she needs to teach her whiny daughter Lauren the value of inner beauty.
3) Teresa enrolls in English classes.
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4) Melissa has an affair with an even shorter man than Joe Gorga who later turns to male stripping to release his pain.
5) In keeping with her plastic surgery makeover, Kathy gives hubby Rich an ultimatum and forces him to get breast-reduction surgery and braces.
6) Teresa and Joe mutually decide to get lobotomies to make the world a better place.
7) Joe Giudice admits his secret phone convos from last season was from his male lover named Guido.
8) Jacqueline stops crying.
9) Kathy decides to write a cookbook, disses Teresa in the forward “as a joke,” and the book becomes a bigger success than Teresa’s cookbooks combined.
10) Caroline and Dina conclude that the only way to resolve their sisterly problems is through a televised mud-wrestling event.
11) At the reunion show, Andy Cohen picks Tre up and throws her across the room in a moment of host-o-licious anger.
The new season of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” premieres Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo.
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