‘Bachelorette’ Recap: Des Discovers a Maneater and a Cheater

"The Bachelorette" (Photo: ABC)

“You’re a lying, cheating, deceitful pig!” a lady with bulimic cheeks screamed at one of the guys on Monday night’s “Bachelorette”—and it wasn’t Des! In an attempt to keep the drama alive, the show pulled out as much dirt as it possibly could muster by inviting a psychotic girlfriend of one of the dishonest contestants for an all-out national confrontation! But was it really fair that the dude (and his fluorescent pink t-shirt) couldn’t get a word in edgewise?

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While that interrupted the smooth flow of Des’ mating selection, the show still had to go on—and go on it did. Read on, and you’ll discover the week was full of buoyant, bouncy balls, broken girly fingers, wild cowboys, fatal attraction, and questionably heterosexual tight tank tops! Z-snap for you!

Balls to the Wall
Des picks ten of the guys to go on her group date and to play the coolest sport for 8th graders: Dodgeball! Separated into Team Blue and Team Red, the boys slip into short shorts (no donkey booties up in this piece) and ’80s headbands (yay, Jane Fonda!), and are forced to play in front of a live audience! As they get ready to rumble, all the boys consider slamming their dodgeballs into Ben’s nether regions, so he can never reproduce again….

And they’re off! Balls slam! Man cleavage glistens with crystalline sweat! The Blue Team wins the first game! Mad as hell, the Red Team wins the second game! But once the final game rolls around, Brooks jacks up the momentum and suddenly falls to the ground with a girly whimper! The crowd thinks he may have broken his va-jay-jay, but no! It’s his svelte finger! Des runs over to comfort him but secretly takes a mental note that he’s a sissy boy.

After producers roll their eyeballs and torpedo Brooks into an ambulance, the game commences! Chicken legs flail! Biceps explode! Female senior citizens lick their fuzzy upper lips with lecherous delight! Alas, the Blue Team wins and have the bluest of balls! Unfortunately, for them, though, Des surprises the losing Red Team and says both teams will hang with her at the after party! Booo!

Eager to show his eagerness, Brooks shows up that night all drugged up from being at the ER and makes out with Des…unfortunately, he doesn’t warn her ahead of time that he hadn’t taken a shower and had been mouth breathing at the hospital for hours.

Regardless of Brooks showing up, Chris—a contestant nobody knew existed—gets the rose. Brooks’ icicle teeth crack out of anger.

Watch Monday Night’s Episode of “The Bachelorette” Here:

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You in Trouble, Boyfriend
As Des draws cartoon caricatures of Chris Harrison in her journal as part of her daily morning meditation, suddenly her phone rings. It’s the devil himself, and he tells her he’s got a juicy scoop! There’s a cheater cheater pumpkin eater in her midst!

Des drives over to the Bach mansion and pulls Brian aside and politely asks him if he may have gotten his pasties pumped recently. As he assures her he’s here for the “right reasons,” Chris Harrison proudly marches in with an angry girl clad in I’m-gonna-kick-yo-ass leather pants.

The girl, whose name is Stephanie, attacks Brian. “We’re still together! You told me you just needed time to yourself to get things sorted out!” she screams. “Why would you do this?!” And then she doesn’t shut up. In the two-minute confrontation that transpires, the chick ends up squawking out more words than Emily Maynard did in her entire season of “The Bachelorette.”

“You’re a lying, cheating, deceitful pig!” Stephanie screams, later claiming they pasty pumped two nights before Brian sneakily came on the show. In the end, Des kicks Brian to the curb, and he is left to attend to his psychotic girlfriend.

Shaken up, Des walks in and tells the rest of the guys that they should speak up about any secrets they may be hiding. Fat beads of sweat begin to trickle down some of the guys’ faces as some quietly think to themselves: I wear women’s underwear on the weekends! I eat my goobers as a means of finding myself! I like to itch my poop chute with a back scratcher!

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Big Dancing Nostrils
Trying to forget about the drama that just unfolded, Des takes Kasey on her one-on-one date. They end up dancing while simultaneously climbing down a glass building with their bare feet! Office workers inside the building take pics of their bunion imprints and angrily shake their fists at them.

At dinner, the couple try to have a romantic evening, but suddenly a crazy wind blows upon them. They decide stripping down into their bathing suits to go swimming would be the natural course of action in a windstorm, and they end up freezing in the pool. Jittering, Des is tempted to dive into Kasey’s flaring, black nostrils to keep warm, but in the end, she decides to call it a night by giving him the rose out of guilt since the Brian-girlfriend debacle was such a distraction.

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On Des’ smaller group date, Zak W., Bryden, Dan, James and Juan Pablo go to cowboy boot camp to be instructed by the stuntmen of the new Disney flick “The Lone Ranger”! Sponsorship time, here we come!

Dressed in cowboy get-ups, the dudes practice their scenes, lassoing, and drawing their pistols. Juan Pablo wins the competition because he speaks Spanish the entire time (rico suave, ya’ll!). The two end up going off into a barn and are forced to watch the new movie, but before it finishes, Des and Juan are exchanging halitosis and popcorn bits.

In the evening, Des gets together with the rest of the other cowboys and ends up giving the rose to James, whose trapezoids and bleached teeth are mighty happy that they’re safe for another week. Yeehawww!

Secrets of a Girly Man
The next morning, Chris Harrison tells the guys that Des has canceled the cocktail party and just wants relaxed pool time with them. To impress Des, Ben wears the tightest 2(X)ist tankie, which makes the rest of the guys question his sexuality. He sneaks a joy ride with Des before she can swim with the rest of the boys, and he tells her to keep it a secret. Too late. Some of the guys discover his sneaky ways and see them making out in the Barbie Bentley.

Later, Mikey T. and Michael G. pull Ben aside for the 10th time, and like middle school girls, tell him that he’s just so not cool…and Ben still doesn’t care.

While the boys shake their finger and tap their toes disapprovingly at Ben, Emo Brandon takes Des aside and finds another reason to cry and talk about his childhood abandonment issues. He then tells her he’s falling in love with her and then slobbers all over her. She keeps her eyes open in incredulity…and somewhere in Anytown, USA, Kasey “Guard-and-Protect-Your-Heart” Kahl is cheering his homeboy on….

Emotional Goes Home
At the rose ceremony, Des ends up sending Dan and Emo Brandon home. No big surprise there, but apparently, Brandon is shocked. She apologizes and says they have no chemistry.

Surprise, surprise, he walks out and cries on-camera. “Once again, someone left me. I can’t even cry…I’m just out of tears,” Brandon concludes. (And we conclude he’s Fatal Attraction in the making.)

Highlights From Next Week
Atlantic City! Mr. America pageant! Men in heels! Men in thongs! Men with dance ribbons! More hatin’ on Ben!

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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