On Monday night’s “The Bachelorette,” Des takes her 13 bachelors to a highly exotic destination known for its proud colloquial accents (hey, youse guys!), high real estate taxes (we feel you, Lauryn Hill!), and its newly jacked up seashore (thanks, Hurricane Sandy!): New Jersey!
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But it’s not just anywhere in New Jersey—we’re talking Atlantic City, baby! But like the city’s famous boardwalk rides and casino gambling, Des’ dates were a rollercoaster of emotions and at times, pretty risky for the brunette, whom we’re discovering is almost as multidimensional as Emily Maynard’s facial expressions!
But wait! Before your eyelids get all aflutter from the residuals from your nightcap, the episode did offer a small jolt of excitement (and that’s besides the swimsuit competition in the Mr. America Pageant group date!). Apparently, one of the bachelors began to have doubts about whether or not he was really into Des! Will he stay, or will he voluntarily take his manly luggage stroller and wheel himself out the door?!
Guess you better read on…
All Cheekbones, No Chemistry
On her first one-on-one date, Des takes helium-voiced Brad out to the Jersey boardwalk for some childlike fun! Hee hee! The two go on puke-worthy hellish rides, win prizes, and eat salt water taffy, which causes Brad to chew very slowly and accentuates the fact that 50 percent of his face consists of his chin.
After their adrenaline rush, the couple walk over to a giant, generic sand castle, which unfortunately, does nothing to protect Brad from his face clearly being on fire. Des begins to ask him serious questions, and we realize he doesn’t know many words.
At dinner Brad and Des go to a lighthouse, and Brad shows her that the act of speaking is so early 2000s. Instead, he likes to mumble and speak in onomatopoeia. Nervous that she’ll end up talking to herself and Chris Harrison for entertainment, Des takes Brad up to the top of the lighthouse and waits for him to snap out of his silence. But he remains a taciturn Lotus Flower. Ergo, Des stares at his lobster cheeks with disappointment and tells him politely that speaking in onomatopoeia doesn’t cut it for her. Roseless, he hugs her and cries.
Watch Monday Night’s Episode of “The Bachelorette” Below:
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Here He Comes! Mr. Americahhh!
On the group date, Des forces her dudes to compete in a Mr. America pageant in front of a live audience!
And just like the real event, the competition is judged on three elements: interview questions, talent show, and the lusty swimsuit segment!
After the guys oil up their beefy breasts and chicken legs and recover from their Brazilian waxes, they get pumped up for the biggest night of their girly man lives!
Kasey tap dances like he’s got a bad case of mud butt and throws in a few pelvic thrusts! Mikey does a strip tease and shows he’s a dwarf version of Magic Mike! Brooks smashes a ukulele and reveals aside from having great hair, he actually might have a personality! Ben gives us his best crazy eyes and twirls ribbons like a gymnast on acid! Bryden thrusts his junk in black spandex directly in front of the Atlantic City mayor who feels absolutely violated! Chris wears high heels to make Des calf-envy! And last but not least, Zach W. turns on the romantic charm by singing a song on an acoustic guitar. Oh my!
When the swimsuit competition rolls around, chesticles are thrusted up in the air, feline air kisses are offered freely, freezing temps are clearly at play when the Speedos roll out, and we sadly discover Juan Pablo doesn’t have much Pablo down below.
In the end, the second runner-up is Brooks, the first runner-up is Zach W., and Mr. America is…Kasey?!
At the after party, while most of the guys hate on Ben (what’s new?), Zach W. decides to woo Des by singing the rest of his romantic song for her. And it goes a little something like this:
She likes to smile because that’s all she knows /
But she can’t take away that we’re all feeling like man hoes /
The scars will remain while she and her winning man are long gone /
If she only knew many of us enjoy wearing women’s thongs
And with that, Des coos and gives Zach W. the rose!
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For her one on one with James, Des decides to depress him by taking him on a helicopter ride along the most devastated Jersey shoreline post Hurricane Sandy.
Once the couple lands, they meet a local couple named Manny and Jan who were hit hard by Sandy. Manny and Jan tell their sad story of loss and emphasize they had to miss their anniversary celebration because their lives were essentially underwater.
Hmmm…so whatever could happen next you surely wonder! Being the angel that Des is, she offers Manny and Jan her and James’ original date! Awww! Pretending to be surprised, the old couple accept, although they quietly complain to each other in the limo ride over that they were expecting to win a trip to Rome…
Now that Des and James feel like great moral beings, they happily eat $5 pizza at a local joint. It’s there that James admits he cheated on his longtime girlfriend. Des quickly tells him she’s been cheated on and knows the feeling of betrayal, but she forgives him since she attributes his hormonal imbalance to his dependency on roids.
Meanwhile, Manny and Jan have a romantic dinner and decide not to forgo the fantasy suite, if you get what I’m saying…(oh, and Chris Harrison considers being their male stripper for the night). But before Manny and Jan rekindle their love for each other, Jan demands the producers give back her Virginia Slims, dammit.
Not knowing they were so hard up for cash, Hootie and the Blowfish suddenly appear and serenade Manny and Jan, as well as Des and James…and yes, James gets his beefcake rose.
He’s Just Not That Into Des
At the cocktail party, Bryden keeps it real and announces to the guys that he might not be that into Des. When he gets some one-on-one time with her, he admits he’s becoming doubtful of the process and is considering going home and just focusing on growing out his bangs. However, Des reassures him they can take things slowly.
In the end, she rejects Zack K., who is only memorable through his man perm and linebacker shoulders.
After destroying Zack’s self esteem, Des tells the rest of the guys they’ll be packing their bags and going to another exotic location:
Connecticut! Munich, Germany!
Highlights From Next Episode
Real castles! Lots-o-snow! Could James be shady? Could Ben be even shadier? Could Bryden and Chris throw shade at each other?!
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