‘Bachelorette’ Recap: Des Can’t Let Go of James, But Does He Survive?

Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock had a Spanish soccer challenge for her male suitors Monday night on "The Bachelorette" (Photo: ABC)

The gang on Monday night’s “Bachelorette” headed on over to Bar-the-lona, Spain, where the cervezas bubbled over almost as much as James’ b.s.!

In the context of the show’s history — my, my, has much changed! Gone are the days of keeping mum about other contestants’ sneaky motivations! Des’ guys have morphed into a new breed of tattletales and they have no shame in wiping out the bad seeds who play the fame game! Would you call this a new breed of sissy or a new breed of eagle-eye competitors? Is this a Man Code violation?

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Whatever the label, The Clean-Up Crew decided to blast the most testosterony, shady character among them — James the Meathead — for his alleged admission to Mikey that he was hedging his bets on becoming the next Bachelor! But little did the dudes know that the Bull Neck from Chicago had nine lives … and just as many pressed dress shirts from Men’s Wearhouse to boot. I personally guarantee it.

Watch a highlight reel from Monday’s “Bachelorette” on ABC:
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So did James live to see another rose? You best believe you gotta read this recap to find out, amigos

Drew BarryAmore: Des chooses uptight Drew for her first one-on-one date. After they have fun exploring the city and drinking out of dirty water fountains, Drew carries on the tradition of quickly puking out a sob story to get a rose: He tells Des that his father is a recovering alcoholic and has cancer. Then he proceeds to cry, but he never explains why he uses so much hair gel.

At dinner, Des is drawn to Drew’s trustworthiness and feels the warm fuzzies in places that are not to be discussed. They walk by street musicians and start to shake their bon bons. It is here we sadly realize white man can’t dance … and Des can’t really, either.

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Overcome with emotions and ants in his pants, Drew zips her away from their dinner, and just like Antonio Banderas would, he slams his tongue and face into hers with great passion! Des is surprised but loves the unleashing of his inner beast! Rowrrr!

She gives him the rose, but he interrupts their yummy times to tell her that he and Kasey overheard James discussing how he could be the next Bachelor and have some honeys on the side! She curses and vows to cut James’ meatballs!

No Ballers Here: Des takes Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and Juan Pablo on a soccer group date! Dressed like a spokesgirl for Mountain Dew, Des brings the boys to a stadium. After kicking the ball around with them, Des tells the boys they’ll be competing not only with her, but with six angry professional female soccer players who look like men.

Game on! The boys score! The girls score — and score some more! Afraid of breaking his French manicure, goalie James winces as the balls keep a comin’! Grassy skid marks lay claim to everyone’s shorts, but brown skid marks of the stinky nature attack James’ shorts from behind! To the guys’ dismay, the girls clobber them!

Watch what happened on that Spanish soccer field:
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For dinner, the guys go to Des’ swanky pad. While Des talks to Juan Pablo, Kasey and Michael and Chris confront Bad Boy James.

“I didn’t bring that sh** up, Mikey did!” screams James. “You’re putting words in my mouth! F*** you!”

After Kasey repeats Drew’s story to Des, she gets so upset she tells the guys she won’t be handing out any stinkin’ rose! She pulls James aside, and he immediately blames Mikey for everything. With tears in his eyes, (thanks to the Visine in his pocket), he adds that the rest of the group are threatened by his chiseled features and ‘roid-filled chesticles. His sincerity overtakes Des, and she tells him she needs the night to think things through. When he returns to the house, the guys’ eyeballs pop out of their heads and they all wanna fly — cannonball-style — out the window.

Buck Naked Art: Des meets up with Zach for a one-on-one date to get artsy! They go into a drawing studio and a man walks up to the center stage — disappointingly clothed. After they sketch him, another male model struts onto the podium in a robe and lets everything — tapas included — hang out! Green with envy, Zach runs off and reappears in a robe. Scared to see a barren land of unnourished grapes before her, Des is relieved when Zach pulls off his robe and he’s wearing his granny panties. In the distance, the camera catches a silk-robed Chris Harrison beginning to run toward the drawing stage with warp speed, but the producers hastily turn off the cameras and call security.

At dinner, Des in enamored by Zach’s toothy smile, his positive, adventuresome spirit, and his low-hanging hamster cheeks. She gives him the rose, and out of joy, he stores sirloin steak in his cheeks for next winter.

Drew Finds His Inner MANna: Trying to keep his chances of becoming the next Bachelor alive, James pulls Drew aside to see if his car salesman pitch will work on him. He unapologetically admits that he did talk to Mikey about the possibility of becoming the next Bachelor, but only if it ends up that Des does not pick him. After all, he says, there’s nothing wrong with looking at all sides of a situation. But righteous Drew lays down the law and tells James his focus should only be on Des and the fact that he’s strategizing and seeing this as a game — such things are worthy of Meatball execution!

The next morning, Des comes to the guys’ hotel and takes James outside, determined to kick him to the curb — stat. However, his charm and girly waist are too much for her. Her heart begins to melt, although her cautious nature returns after she realizes he’s wearing flip flops with his business attire. She cries in confusion and keeps his rosey chances alive for yet another day! When James returns to the hotel, the guys are flabbergasted and consider threatening Des by setting all of their “Dawson’s Creek” posters of Joey aflame …

“If James gets a rose tonight, the group is gonna collectively sh** themselves,” Michael says.

Three Men Go Home: With no cocktail party planned, the guys are ready to launch a mutiny if James doesn’t get kicked off. In the end, their wishes of being beefcake-free are finally granted: Des sends James home but also kicks Juan Pablo and Kasey to the curb.

Highlights From the Next Episode: Portugal! A stoic Drew makes Des cry! Brooks ugly cries! Everyone ugly cries! Could Des have sent all the guys home?! Say whaaa???!!!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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