On Monday night’s “The Bachelorette,” Des and her five guinea pigs flew out to the paradisiacal island of Madeira, Portugal! Luckily for the men, Des decided to go relatively roseless in order to enjoy her time on all the dates but left room in the end to obliterate someone’s heart at the cocktail party. But mind you, this would be no ordinary cocktail party. The last four men standing by the end of the week would be guaranteed a spot on the nerve-wracking hometown dates! Oh the pressure of Meeting the Fockers!
But let’s get back to the island, mon. Whether it was because she had her head way up in the clouds (literally) or was made dizzy by getting too much sun, Des ended up making some bold claims of love and even objectified some of the men’s God-given accoutrements—I don’t know about you, but this calls for a bow chicka wow wow!
See how things got yummy real fast…
Girls Just a Wanna Have Fun
With extra money to burn, ABC producers invite last season’s reigning “Bachelor” queen Catherine, helium-voiced Jackie, and bug-eyed Lesley to the island to make it look like Des has friends. The girlies all giggle and gab about the five men Des has left and tell her she definitely needs a man with spice…and a little something in the pants…
When the guys are forced to come out and frolic around the pool, the girls grab binoculars to see their goods and sexually harass them from a distance. With naughty things on the brain, Catherine bluntly asks Des whom she thinks has the biggest man kooka, and Des quickly decides the winner is Chris. They all cackle and eat giant sausages for lunch.
For Des’ first one-on-one date, she takes Brooks to the top of a mountain up through the clouds! As they eat lunch above the white fluffiness, Brooks admits he doesn’t know what to think about the logistics of their relationship but says he’s glad that at least he feels comfortable enough to put his feminine hands on her muscular quads. She agrees. The clouds suddenly reach them, and Brooks lets his personal cloud loose once again. As they make out, Des wonders what that strange, unpleasant smell is…
In the evening, they have a rooftop dinner. Brooks tells her he’s super close to his family, to the point that his future wife will be absorbed into them, like a roll of Charmin Ultra Soft. He asks her to come up with adjectives that would fit between “like and love,” and she gives him a series of them in ascending order: skipping, jogging and then the finish line.
With a sneaky smile on her face, she confesses she’s at the jogging stage of their relationship. (He nervously admits to the camera that he’s in the moonwalking stage. Ruh roh.) Regardless of his uncertain feelings, he tells Des he’d like her to meet his family. Fireworks suddenly fill the sky and his snaggle tooth explodes.
Watch Monday Night’s Episode of “The Bachelorette” Below:
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Message in a Bottle
For her second one-on-one date, Des takes Chris on a yacht and goes out to sea where they eventually land on a deserted island. Continuing their ridonk poem bonanza, Chris tells Des they’ll be writing some verses together and will toss them out to sea in a glass bottle. Cheeseballer.
At dinner Chris is nervous because he’s decided that this is the night he’s going to tell her that he loves everything about her—even her bow legs. To usher in the L-word, he recites another dang poem as sweat begins to accumulate around his receding hairline:
I stammer because I’m taking this chance
My true feelings are in my pants—
My heart is entwined with you
So with a heavy heart and sweaty forehead I admit: I ruv roooo!
Des’ heart melts, and she makes out with him with great dorky passion.
No Case For Love
For her third one-on-one date, Des explores the city with Michael. They drink alcohol, eat goobery fruit, and buy tasteless jewelry. When they finally get to look into each other’s eyes, Des realizes she has nothing to say to him and lets him do all the talking. To pass the time, they toboggan down a hill, and she screams like an old lady getting tickled.
At dinner Michael continues to gab a hundred miles a minute and overlooks Des’ new bouffant. He starts talking about his family drama and bad breakups, and she glazes over and daydreams about the size of Chris’ manhood. Michael tells her she has given him hope to love again, and she pets him like he’s a pathetic puppy.
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Zach and Drew meet up with Des for another awkward two-on-one date, but unlike previous two on ones, this time the loser doesn’t go home. The guys go-cart race like speed demons, and Zach ends up beating Drew’s emotional arse.
Later in the day, the three awkwardly picnic together. Since he was the winner, Zach gets first dibs chatting with Des, and he shows her Crayola drawings of their international adventures together—the drawings being different angles of his abs.
Drew’s turn! They walk over to a pile of tires, and he giggles like a girl before he falls back into EMO mode, telling Des he has a severely mentally handicapped sister back home. Then he tells her he’s in love with her and that he’s never had those feelings before. She realizes she may well be dealing with a 27-year-old virgin.
But because Drew looks like a young, pre-jacked up Mel Gibson, he ends up getting the rose! Des definitely wants to meet his Fockers!
No Man Is an Island
After Chris Harrison secretly pours truth serum in Des’ Capri Sun, he gets her to confess a few things: 1) She thinks Drew is the hottest tamale out of all the guys. 2) She’s already in love with Brooks! 3) But she’s also “falling for” poetic Chris and his hypothetical dinosaur-sized babymaker!
Although loopy from Chris Harrison’s truth serum, Des is sure that Michael’s lawyery heart is the one she wants to destroy. The prosecution rests its case…
She walks him out to the car of shame, and as heartbroken as he is, he still manages to talk her ears off as they hug goodbye. She leaves deodorant stains on his jacket as a parting gift.
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.
Highlights From Next Week
Focking it up! Weird singing families! Chiropractic harassment! Des’ nightmare brother returns with yellow teeth!
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