‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Hometown Dates Are Dreamy, Des’ Bro Is Still a Nightmare

"The Bachelorette" Desiree Hartsock (Photo: ABC)

On Monday night’s “The Bachelorette,” Des went on a whirlwind journey as she met her remaining four men’s Fockers on the hometown dates! Among the zillion Fockers she came across, Des experienced horrid duet singing, ridiculous face sucking, lumbar and slimy goobery adjustments, and stupidly subjective definitions of true love!

While almost all of the men got swept up by their emotions and offered the L-word to Des, one wise guy held out because he needed mommy’s approval! Wahhh!

Speaking of approval, the episode didn’t end without Des’ weak confrontation with her punk bro Nate, who seemed determined to destroy any opportunity of his little sis being happy. But that story is to be continued!

Until then, let’s Meet the Fockers…

Singing Fockers
First up: Des meets Zak in his hometown of Dallas, Texas. Yeehaww!

“People think I’m crazy? Wait til you see my crazy family!” Zak declares to the camera. And indeed, we see some cray cray up in the hizzle.

After Zak tries to explain a gnarly dream he had had of the two of them melting and then being saved by snow cones, he runs away like a rabid animal, only to return driving a snow cone truck. Pretending to be amused, Des plays along as she watches Zak jump around in a penguin outfit and almost die of excitement and suffocation.

Once the odd couple arrive at Zak’s family’s house, Des is greeted by his mom, dad, brother and sister, who immediately scream and have seizures of joy. Everybody seems to be trippin’ on acid. As they have lunch, Zak tells his fam how many times he’s already been naked so far in the season, and they all cackle and eat Vienna sausages in honor of him.

At the end of the day, Zak closes things out by playing his guitar and getting his bro and sis to sing a song about Des. As she tears up, the family thinks she’s touched by the lyrical gesture, but secretly, she’s crying because she believes she’s sitting among cult members.

After saying goodbye to Zak’s family, Des walks out with Naked Lover, and he gives her a promise ring that he stole in Atlantic City from a prostitute. He then tells her he loves her and slurps on her small lips.

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Emotional Fockers
Des takes on Drew’s Fockers in Scottsdale, Arizona!

Drew introduces her to his entire family, including his mentally handicapped sister Melissa. As Des hugs his parents and siblings, she realizes where Drew gets his Eyes-Too-Close-Together feature, which causes him to look like Cyclops when the sunlight hits his face.

Drew’s dad tells Des that their family’s angel is Melissa, and Des pushes crocodile tears out with all her might.

In the evening, Drew tells Des he loves her, and they suck each other’s faces with great passion. She gets lost in the shadow of his Cyclops.

Watch Monday Night’s Episode of “The Bachelorette” Here on xfinityTV

Adjusted Fockers
Des gets giddy with Chris in McMinnville, Oregon!

After having a lovely lunch with Chris’ family, Chiropractic Dad decides to adjust Des downstairs as a way of secretly assessing the volume of her badonka donk. As he cracks Des’ back and her neck, her head rolls off the table. Regardless, the two have a nice, superficial conversation about her joining the family and getting free adjustments for the rest of her life.

After Des hobbles back upstairs like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Chris gets some one-on-one time with dad, who is mainly concerned with his son and Des’ health compatibility. Chris tells his dad not to worry, while letting him do something funky with his nose (a.k.a. a nose adjustment), which apparently entails inserting a deflated balloon up Chris’ nose, blowing it up, and then pulling it out to reveal a slimy boogery celebration of sorts. Grossness with the mostness.

Although Chris’ mom is super protective, speaks in turtle mode and looks miserable, she reveals to him she ultimately approves of Des because she’s not an insecure loser like his previous girlfriend. Mom breaks down in front of her son, and he lovingly smiles as boogers fly out of his nose, thanks to Dad’s schnoz apparatus.

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Toothy Fockers
Brooks greets Des in his hometown of Salt Lake City, Utah, where they ain’t afraid to breed!

When Des meets Brooks’ 500 family members, they greet her with name tags and helium voices. As Brooks talks to his brother and sisters to help him understand what the crap he’s gotten himself into, Des asks Brooks’ owly mom if she thinks he’s ready for marriage. Mom offers a vague answer to Des, saying he’ll be ready when he meets the right gal. Meanwhile, Brooks’ sister tells him that love is when you never want to leave that person’s sight—even if you’re stuck on the john.

Later Brooks tells his mom it’s hard to be vulnerable but that he’s remarkably surprised at how fast his feelings have developed for Des. He asks for her approval, and like all Fockers on this freaking show, she says of course! He tells the cameras he believes he’s falling for her, but he doesn’t tell her in person…however, he gives her a hint by letting his foot-long incisors sparkle in the moonlight.

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Oh No, Bro
Back in L.A., Des invites her older brother Nate to her hotel to set him straight, admonishing him to not screw up her chances for love this time. With a smug expression on his face, he and his un-whitened teeth ignore her pleas, and he asks her about her remaining dudes to get an idea of how he can tear them apart. She tells him to cool it, but he can’t wait to dig in…

As the guys walk into the hotel for the rose ceremony, Nate takes a lustful peek at Brooks and fantasizes embracing his lean, long chicken legs.

In the end, no surprise: Zak’s naked heart and weird singing family don’t make the cut for Des. She walks the dejected fella out and gives him his ring back. With his eyes bulging and his blow cheeks pooching out forever more, he gets teary-eyed and tosses the ring out the window…minutes later, to help himself feel better, we see him flashing crowds along West Hollywood.

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays at 8/9c on ABC.

Highlights From Next Week
The Men Tell All Reunion show! Cheaters! Bar-owning opportunists! Thick meathead necks! Prosecuting elf noses! Oh, the dram drams!

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