The ‘Bachelorette Men Tell All’: Heartbroken Zach Sings, Manipulative James Stings

"The Bachelorette" Desiree Hartsock (Photo: ABC)

Monday night’s “The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All” was like watching an exact repeat of the entire season thus far sprinkled with 70-year-old Grandma Ethels in the audience clapping and letting their bingo wings flap, along with Pollyanna 8th graders wearing D.I.Y. ‘My Pablo Wants Juan Pablo’ T-shirts, sans their Robocop retainers.

There were clips of “Bachelor Nation,” where large groups of desperate women supposedly come together after a hard day’s work (and apparently a professional salon blow out) on Monday nights to get drunk on cheap wine, eat lots of stale chips and guac, and make fun of Chris Harrison’s outfits. And how could we ever forget all the old Bachelors and Bachelorettes of the past even if we really, really wanted to? Considering ABC tries to shove their mugs in front of the camera as much as possible, we are now reaching an era where we anticipate Trista from “Bachelorette” Season 1 is ready to admit to hot flashes.

While the victims and the villains of Des’ season went at each other, no big revelations occurred. The only notable observations were that the thickness of James’ neck managed to surpass the width of his jaw and that Zach W. must put an end to his Tracy Chapman singing.

And with that said, here’s a quick highlighted summary of the eppy:

– Ben is the first to get into the hot seat! As Chris Harrison introduces Ben’s montage, our eyes are plagued once more at the Texan’s choice of heinously cut tank tops. While the men boo him on stage and say he acted like a politician throughout the season, Ben fights back, claiming he caused tension simply because he’s a competitive fella. When the cameras go to commercial, he charmingly whispers in Chris Harrison’s ear about going into the bar business with him and using his son as a chick magnet…

– Newly stretched in the face and spray-tanned orange, James claims his “integrity was stripped” after Kasey and Drew claimed he was there hedging his bets and looking beyond love with Des. Although Mikey finally gets to speak on his own behalf, he explains nothing new and sounds like he needs Hooked on Phonics for Meatheads. It appears he and James did talk about how to get the ladies post show and the possibility of James becoming the next Bachelor, to which the latter unapologetically claims he was just being “realistic.”

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– Another orange man in da house, Zach W. gets some time on stage to explain to Chris Harrison that he is still in love with Des. The camera pans to his full body as he jumps into the hot seat, and we realize he’s not wearing anything from the waist down—just socks. (Joking).

As we watch his montage, we realize how many freakin’ gifts he ended up buying for Des and how many articles of clothing he took off to get her to love him. As he acts all sensitive and sincere, MILFs in the audience scream out his name and pull out business cards from their battered décolleté and toss them into his lap.

Watch “The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All” Below:

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As security guards wrap duct tape around the MILFs’ mouths and va-jay-jays (this didn’t really happen but the visual is awesome), Chris Harrison pulls out the journal Zach had gotten for Des and reads his love letter that he wrote in invisible ink. Zach frowns in sorrow and his pupils dilate into tiny specks of brain fart matter, as Chris joyfully reveals Zach’s vulnerability to all of America.

– Lawyer Michael is so annoying, he gets no hot seat time.

When Des finally comes to the stage, she decides to breaks things down, gangsta style:

– For Ben, she tells him he started strong but turned insincere and arrogant. Boom!

– As for James, she scolds him for being manipulative, but he pushes back and tells her his “realistic” way of thinking about his future beyond the show is no different than her shady reality of making out with 25 men. Boom! To shut her up for good, he slyly asserts, “I hope the very best for you.”

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– Perhaps wanting a record deal, Zach W. decides to express his pain by singing another dang song to Des. As he sings and falls in love with himself all over again, little girls with turn-of-the-century bangs and 40-year-old women with 80s perms cry hysterically. Des doesn’t shed a tear and has to remind herself to clap after his crooning is over. The other men scratch their heads and try to push their eyeballs back into their sockets and close their pie holes.

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As the “Men Tell All” finally winded down, Chris Harrison showed a devastating montage of the two-part season finale with Des, Brooks, Drew, and Chris all ugly crying in mysterious despair. We can only guess that the three remaining men ended up confessing to Des that they were forced to have a pre-fantasy suite date with Chris Harrison wearing only Speedos and roller skates. We shall see come next Monday…

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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