Monday night’s “The Real Housewives of Orange County” Reunion Part Uno was full of screams and squeals, thanks to Vicki, who was by and large, the center of controversy and chaos. What was her beef? With Gretchen and cement-faced Laurie, of course. Interestingly, Tamra was back on Team Vicki and made an apparent “besties” switch, leaving Gretch to fend for herself in her mint green pageant dress and Barbie voluminous hair.
But that’s not to say there weren’t other conflicts. Hiss! Hiss! Meow! Brunette newbies Heather and Lydia were at each other’s throats about fairly minor “She said-She said” insults on each other’s blogs. The shocker wasn’t their actual issues, but rather, that Heather was being called something other than “Miss Fancy Pants” for a change, and that boho chick Lydia seemed a little too ready for combat. (Yup. The sweet church girl persona was apparently on sabbatical!)
And then there was bad-tempered Tamra, who turned private eye on our numb bums by pulling out highly questionable color print-out photos of Gretchen kissing a guy from years back while she was engaged to her much older man Jeff, who has since died of cancer. (Yeah, that horrible tragic story—again.)
Was there any refreshing news, you painstakingly ask? Depends on how you look at it. For starters, Tamra is now Tamra Judge, the romantic metamorphosis of which you’ll be able to see in her mini Bravo spinoff “Tamra’s OC Wedding,” airing September 2nd. (So for those of you who get really excited at seeing Tamra flip out in bloodcurdling anger over everything and enjoy gazing at Eddie’s man breasts and his glistening animal teeth, ya’ll are in for a real treat!)
But before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s cover a few of the
lowlights highlights from the first part of this three-part reunion:
– Attention, attention: Vicki has yet to finalize her divorce with Don. Will she get back together with him?! Tamra sure thinks so!
– Gretchen reveals herself to be a serial pronunciation offender. Not only does she pronounce the word “something” as “sun-thin” all the dang time (we thinks the cause is her lip blubber injections), but she also thinks the word “animosity” is pronounced “amin-osity.” (Somewhere on a bejeweled flatscreen in Jersey, Teresa Giudice is smiling.)
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– Tamra claims she isn’t currently “bracelet BFFs” with Gretch because of her “inconsistencies and lies.” Tam-Tam, along with Vicki, re-accuse Gretch of kissing a particular guy, hiding her engagement ring while sitting on his lap, and holding hands with him—this is all the while her then-fiance Jeff is in the hospital dying of cancer. While Gretch denies any wrongdoing for a zillionth time, Tamra pulls out a manilla folder to reveal the print-out photos of a younger Gretch doing something with the guy in question that compels Bravo to blur them out. Gretch insists she gets her innocent flirt on with all her guy friends.
– Lydia thinks she’s a genius. Like, for real. (Our only explanation: must be all the fairy dust she inhaled throughout the years.)
– Host Andy Cohen brings up the magazine episode in the beginning of the season, where Lydia refuses to put Heather on the cover, despite having Lisa Vanderpump glossing her Giggy-loving self front and center in a previous edition. Heather also points out how shocking it is that Lydia has no shame in putting her scrawny self in 10 pages of her own magazine! In response, Lydia basically tells Heather she’s not famous enough to be on her magazine cover. The litmus test? IMDb, biatch! But Lydia doesn’t stop the disses there; she even derogatorily calls Mrs. Dubrow a “princess.” Meow.
– When Laurie gets into the hot seat, the threesome story about her finding Vicki in bed with a woman and a man gets resurrected for the umpteenth time. (We don’t really care if there was midlife hanky panky going on; we’re frankly just grossed out by the visual.) Oh, and if that’s a yawner, an even older story gets brought up about how Vicki damaged Laurie and her current third hubby George’s reputation, thanks to some scandalous email Vicki had circulated to Jeanna Keough. Got two words: hamster wheel.
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– Perhaps the most miraculous aspect of the show is that Alexis’ face appeared scarily more natural than we’re used to, and she was calmer and more collected than the rest of the gals. Looks like she dodged all the incoming bullets…at least for now! (But we’re sure Heather will have some condescending grenades waiting for her in the wings in part deux and tres of the reunion show.)
If we can learn a few comforting thoughts from the Real Housewives of OC, it’s that: 1) growing up is hard to do; 2) the past is always present; and 3) that denial is a warm blanket that you just can’t shake off.
On those nuggets of wisdom, Whoo hoo! See you next Monday at 8/7c on Bravo for the “RHOOC” Reunion, Part 2!