‘Revenge’ Premiere: The Red Sharpie Wedding

Madeleine Stowe and Justin Hartley in the season premiere of "Revenge" (Photo: ABC)

Revenge” is back, baby.

This is the quip laden, one percent skewering, lurid sexual encounters having, red Sharpie wielding show we all fell in love with back in season one. Unfortunately the season three premiere, “Fear” competed head-to-head with the series finale of “Breaking Bad”, so you probably did not watch it. Lucky for you, we have the entire episode here for your streaming pleasure. If you want to know why you need to press play, read on for the highlights.

The Obligatory Bloody Mise En Scene Opening

The episode opens with Emily (Emily VanCamp) on a yacht looking beautiful in her wedding dress. She tells an unseen someone that she’s sorry just before he or she shoots her in the chest. She falls into the water. It’s like a hybrid of Tyler’s shooting at her engagement party in season one and the boat sinking in season two. Then we flash back a couple months. Daniel (Joshua Bowman) and Emily are happily lounging by the pool, discussing potential wedding dates. So our question for the first thirteen episodes is who shot Emily? Since almost everyone has a motive, this should be fun.

Watch the entire season premiere of “Revenge” right here:
[iframe http://xfinitytv.comcast.net/watch/Revenge/7878683525689254112/50945603735/Fear/embed 580 476]

Nolan Is Back With A Vengeance

Nolan (Gabriel Mann) was arrested in the season two finale after being framed for all of that convoluted nonsense involving the Carrion virus and the Initiative. Now Emily is there to pick him up when he is freed from jail. Our favorite dandy spent a couple months locked up. Hopefully, he had Mason to keep him company. In a nice full circle moment, he is wearing a hoodie, just like she was when he picked her up from juvie in the pilot. The feds figured out he was innocent thanks to some “fail safes he embedded in Carrion,” and that’s the last will ever hear of that mess. “Let’s never say the words Initiative or Carrion ever again,” Emily tells him. She also surprises him with a beautiful new house that she bought for him. Aww! His time in the hoosegow and the loss of his company has hardened him. Now he wants revenge on the Graysons every bit as badly as she does. Emily has the perfect venue for a take down: the Grayson Memorial Day party. What better way to honor our fallen soldiers?

Victoria and Patrick Embody the Electra Complex

Victoria (Madlelne Stowe) has been on a ranch for months, horseback riding with her long lost son Patrick (Justin Hartley) who is initially played to seem like he is her lover.Charlotte (Christa B.Allen) shows up. She’s had a convenient off-camera miscarriage. (The new showrunner has a real gift for quickly dispensing with everything that was wrong with season two.) The loss of her unborn child has turned her into a real bitch. It’s an improvement. She is jealous of her mother’s bond with her new brother, whose bones she may want to jump, so she tells him how awful Victoria is. Though his mother has shown him nothing but kindness and inappropriate sexual tension, he decides to return to the city, breaking her heart.

Governor Conrad

Conrad (Henry Czerny) has been governor of New York for a few months now. He’s already planning his presidential campaign. Potential motto: Because Romney wasn’t enough of a rich, entitled jerk. He seems more focused on making sure his official portrait makes his eyes look like “Arctic pools” than in, say, affordable health care for the citizens of New York.

The Very Political Party

Conrad blackmails Victoria into playing First Lady at the Memorial Day party by threatening to sell the estate. Daniel chats with his chic European gamine friend, Margaux, who has potential love interest written all over her.  Emily introduces Ashley to a doctor, Jorge. Nolan awesomely arrives via parachute, then strips off his flight suit to reveal an actual fashion forward suit. Why isn’t every single character on the show desperately trying to get into his pants? Conrad passes out while making a speech. He is rushed to the hospital where Jorge diagnoses him with Huntington’s disease. If you guessed that Emily drugged him and hacked into the hospital computers to falsify his test results, congratulations. This scheme seems destined to fall apart when Conrad sees a specialist for further treatment. Also, Conrad’s Dad seemed healthy and fit when we saw him in season one, but he would have to have Huntington’s for Conrad to get it. In any case, it’s not like anyone watches this show for medical accuracy. When Conrad’s condition leaks to the press, courtesy of Emily, he is forced to resign. Daniel is now concerned about his dad and worried that he has the gene. Emily comforts him then suggests they get married on August 8, AKA the double 8’s that make up her infinity tattoo.

You (And Emily) Don’t Know Jack

Emily meets Jack (Nick Wechsler), who has just returned from visiting family out-of-state, at the Stowaway. The writers missed an opportunity by not finally letting him go to Haiti, though I suppose it would be difficult without his boat. Jack has figured out from seeing Carl’s love for him why Emily lied about her identity, and why she told him the truth. They kiss and it’s totally hot. “He tells her, I didn’t know how I felt about you until this moment. And I’m sorry. I just don’t feel anything. I’ll keep your secret but it’s just me and Carl now. Leave us alone.” Ouch! After the party, he shows up at her place to ask her if she is behind what happened to Conrad. She tells him it’s what he deserved. He reminds her that her quest is responsible for Amanda and Declan’s deaths, which frankly seems like a pretty good argument for her to continue. He tells her finish by the end of the summer than leave town or he will expose he. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a ticking clock.

Don’t Let the Door Hit You on Your Way Out, Ashley

A desperate, unemployed Ashley (Ashley Madekewe) threatens to expose Emily’s true agenda, not that she really knows much. Emily turns around and tells Victoria that Ashley is attempting to start a rumor that Victoria is having an affair with her son. They team up, telling Ashley they have evidence that she is the one who lured Declan in to the building that blew up last season and that she leaked Conrad’s condition to the press. They order her to return to England. After she’s gone, Emily slashes her photo with the red Sharpie.

My Enemy’s Enemy Is My Friend

Victoria sees a man on her balcony. She hopes it’s Patrick. Surprise, it’s Aiden (Barry Sloane). He wants her to help him, “destroy the girl next door.”

Quotes of the Week

“I guess sometimes payback’s not a bitch.” – Nolan, upon seeing the home Emily bought for him

“As long as it isn’t kickstarting a poetry review” – Conrad, on Nolan’s post-Grayson career ambitions

I’m Nolan 2 point No” – Nolan on his new persona

“I work for a lot of different charities making sure people get what they deserve” – Emily explains her career to Jorge

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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