Monday night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” was kind of frazzled and all over the place—just like Lisa and her “perfect faint” that had her (and her perfect pooch of a bootie) sprawled out on the dance floor on “Dancing With the Stars.”
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There wasn’t any major drama that pervaded the 60 minutes; instead we just got a bunch of silliness, half-witted conversations about breast milk spillage, pentagram-loving parents cursing at their children, bee killers, crazed pit bulls attacking trainers, and the regular frenemy backstabbing that just comes with the Housewives territory.
Wanna check out the randomness of last night’s episode? Read on, darlings, and decide if you can make sense of it:
Can I Have Some Lyme With Those Two Almonds, Please?
It’s a big day for Yolanda! In her ongoing fight against Lyme Disease, the blond is getting ready for surgery to remove a medicinal port that was planted in her chest.
After her small operation is done, she cries as if she could’ve died and tries to show off her vulnerable side to her hubby, who almost feels he’s about to die himself after being exposed to her doctor’s stretched out plastic face and 90s bleached-out haircut. For shame, doctah!
As we try to find sympathy in our Grinch hearts to give to steely Yolanda, suddenly we discover she’s forced her 18-year-old model daughter Gigi to go on a liquid cleanse while enduring a horseback riding lesson.
Over the phone Gigi tells Yolanda she’s feeling really dizzy and is afraid to ride, but what does mom say? Go chew on two almonds and ride that damn horse, biatch.
Our Grinch hearts are intact, my friend.
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Regimented Family With Sailor Speak
Carlton introduces us to her lovely family…and her love for pentagrams and her parental potty mouth.
Once her fitness businessman husband comes home, their three children are forced to run their little heineys off in sprints and jump on a trampoline. Exercise is a must in the Gebbia household! The dark arts and spinning heads may be acceptable, but absolutely no fat butts allowed!
After the military workout, Carlton’s young daughters begin to chop up celery with sharp knives, and mom warns the girls to watch their “f**king” hands or bleepity bleep bleep!
The ‘DWTS’ After Party
After Lisa dances her buns off in a ridiculous princess gown that accentuates her aging bazookas for “DWTS,” she meets up with Kyle, Kim, Brandi, and Taylor(!) for a nice celebratory dinner. Kyle lets the cameras know that she is there to show Lisa how wonderful of a friend she is, which shows she’s not really all that wonderful.
Sitting next to Taylor is her new man, who used to be her lawyer…who is now in the process of getting divorced from his wife to be with Taylor…ahem. But the two look really happy, we’ll say that, and for what it’s worth, we wish the lawyer all the best in trying to kiss those hubba bubba filler-time lips for all eternity!
Shockingly, Kim even senses Tay-Tay is in a better place now that she’s found love (and money) again and commences to praise the new couple…but the only way we could decipher Kim’s speech was by using Google Translate.
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New Friends, New Enemies
Kyle invites Carlton, Joyce, and her blond friend with grey teeth over for a nice lunch outside in her backyard. Lovely! Well, not so much…
All the ladies hit it off except for Carlton, who becomes quickly offended when Kyle suddenly walks away from the group while she’s in the midst of telling a story. And the intense Brit also doesn’t really care for Joyce’s long-winded stories about meeting the love of her life in mom jeans, nor does she care about hearing the mammary adventures of Kyle’s breast milk seeping from her blouse. But the kicker comes when Kyle encourages her bud Sharon (a.k.a. Grey Teeth) to kill a bee. Buzzzzz kill! Carlton turns red with rage as she becomes witness to a murder, while Kyle cackles and slams her man hands on the table with delight!
It ain’t looking like Carlton and Kyle are gonna be BFFs any time soon…
On the other side of town, Lisa has Brandi and Yolanda over for lunch. They talk smack about Kyle and laugh about how she has no friends, not even faux friends who are clients of Mauricio’s! Ouch.
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Kim invites a dog trainer over to help with her alpha pit bull Kingsley, but once the trainer enters the house, his buh-junka-junk almost gets torn to Kibbles ‘n Bits. If only Kingsley were tall enough to go for the trainer’s perm.
Lisa Is Gonna PUMP You Up
Lisa reveals she’s planning on opening up a new gay bar called Pump. That sexual beast!
She and Ken have a look at the site, which is under construction, and all Ken is concerned with is building enough urinals, which he oddly and repeatedly pronounces “ur-rye-nuhls.” Is that a British thing?
A Theatrical Performance
Kyle and Kim decide to watch “DWTS” in Kyle’s theater to “support” Lisa. Suddenly, they see the Brit’s rehearsal clip, in which she regally ker-plunks to the floor. The sisters rewind the clip and then start mouth-breathing with laughter, as they believe Lisa is just faking her faint in order to get the hell off the show.
Think about it: Which is more exciting for Lisa to focus on—”DWTS” or opening up a gay bar?