“There are a couple witches in our group, but Carlton isn’t one of them,” so said Lisa on Monday night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” But depending on whom you asked, they could all be stirring the cauldron—and based on their explicit lunchtime discussions—adding a slew of crazy ingredients. Poof Poof!
Sure, there were compliments and air smooches at Carlton’s goth maiden luncheon, but if you were to peer into the crystal ball a little more deeply, you’d find bitter hearts and backstabbing scarier than Carlton’s creepy doll collection.
This season, the ladies’ relationships have appeared to be going to a place where they’ve refused their face or boobs to ever venture—down down and down! And guess who’s the predominant troublemaker? You make the deduction: 1) Yolanda hates Kyle, Kyle hates Yolanda. 2) Lisa hates Kyle, Kyle hates Lisa. 3) Carlton hates Kyle, Kyle hates Carlton (but doesn’t know it yet). 4) Kim is bound to hate Kyle again, and Kyle is bound to hate Kim again. (We could keep going, but you get the point, right?)
While each Housewife seems to have some personal beef with Kyle, the mouthy brunette has her own very public demons to fight: the tabloid gossip that Mauricio is spreading his southern real estate to other ladies in The BH.
Check out all the sexual and personal dysfunction that went down Monday night:
Brandi invites her used-to-be fat friend Jennifer over to show off her naked toothpick frame taking a bath in her new tub in her new house that she bought from her new on-and-off again real estate agent boyfriend, with whom she’s going to break up with because of her old trust issues…
Although Jennifer looks at Brandi’s nakedness and breathes passionate breaths of desire, we can’t tell because Jennifer’s nostrils have a knack for hiding amid her upper lip.
Back in lemon-tree-liquid-cleanse mansion, Yolanda gets holistically treated by a male nurse who sounds and appears to have been castrated. After she gets her goat hoof vaccination, Yolanda eats avocado and half a lemon with a spoon fit for a hamster, while lovingly watching her 18-year-old daughter Gigi eat a low-calorie salad. We’d be a proud mom, too!
At Carlton’s luncheon, the ladies are enchanted (but mostly appalled) at the Brit’s crucifixes, blood-red furniture, porcelain dolls, and crystal balls throughout her home. And then there’s the case of the sexy servers. No, we’re not talking men clad in S&M garb; apparently, Carlton prefers yummy-looking ladies! Serving the women are her “hot” nanny and “hot” friends, whom the hostess is proud to be showing off. (No big surprise: Kyle and Joyce go mum on the subject as they’re too insecure to have pretty little things prancing around their hubbies.)
When Lisa arrives, Brandi quickly tattles to her about how Kim and Kyle were making fun of her faux faint on “Dancing With the Stars,” which the Brit had just gotten booted off of. While Lisa stews like an unfed bulldog at this information, Carlton joins her as she deals with what she calls Kyle’s “stupid questions”: “Were you raised Catholic?” “Have you ever practiced witchcraft?”
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Carlton interprets Kyle’s queries as offensive, rude, and motivated by the desire to give the others ladies “shock value.” And although the orange-tinted Wiccan claims she doesn’t practice the dark arts any longer for the sake of her kids, it looks like she might make an exception to curse a mouth-breathing Mean Girl out!
While the ladies munch on the hostess’s mayonnaise sandwiches (sprinkled with toad slime) and imbibe on red wine (a.k.a. blood from a diseased cow) and toss around their usual passive aggressive comments, Brandi feels the need to open her uncontrollable pie hole again and ask how Kyle is dealing with the rumors that Mauricio is pinching some high-class hoochie coochies in the neighborhood.
“It sucks to have that out there,” says Brandi, feigning concern.
Feeling the need to stick it to her, Yolanda asserts that those kinds of rumors, though, don’t just come about unless there’s a grain of truth to them. And Lisa backs her up. “No smoke without fire,” she says.
Kyle’s nostrils flare with fury, and to show her utmost disdain, she cocks her head and purses her lips, which makes her look like Michael Douglas with a long brown wig.
“F**k all of you!” she screams with tears streaming down her face…but this time, she just says it to the camera.